As Far as A-CNN is Concerned the Greatest Catholic Website in the World is The Remnant, Click Here to Check It Out!
Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi could neither confirm nor deny it, but sources close to the Holy Father report that he may be considering a compromise in the question as to whether the “divorced and remarried” may be given Holy Communion. The compromise may involve giving the “divorced and remarried”—or Extra-Marital Adventurers, as they are now to be called—Communion, but insisting that they give the Host right back.
Additionally, adultery sensitivity training is to be required during pre-Cana classes and for anyone who proposes to be a God-Parent, a Lector, or an Extra-Ordinary Minister of Communion.
Breaking news! Vatican planning on using Ashley Madison list for new converts!
Written by Thomas More
In a move that shocked few in the Vatican, Pope Francis has directed Cardinal Fernando Filoni, the Prefect of the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples, to “get his computer people to find the full list of Ashley Madison contributors.”
In making the announcement, a somewhat stunned and timid looking Cardinal Filoni said that “The Holy Father called me the other day and gave me the directive to research the list of participants on the site and to get in touch with them. In so doing the Holy Father mentioned that undoubtedly many of the participants were being judged quite harshly by their wives and their communities, and now was the perfect time to reach out to them and tell them that the Catholic Church doesn’t really care what they have been up to, they are welcome here.”
Hello, my name is Michael Borish and I have a website called Church Militia TV. Unless you are living on another planet (don't worry, ET, we will meet in heaven!), you must be familiar with my work in defense of Real Catholicism. You see, I am a Real Catholic. However I cannot use that term because I am also an Obedient Catholic. You might want to think of me as a traditional Catholic with a small "t", not to be confused with those nasty Traditional Catholics with a capital "T". Heaven forbid! Just because they adhere to what they call the True Faith doesn't mean they can criticize the Pope who doesn't have a clue about what the True faith is!
My main job is to expose lies and falsehoods in the New Church although it would be outrageous to blame the Second Vatican Council, which started this whole mess. Shame on those who do!! You know who they are. They are those stubborn restorationists living in the past who think they could turn back the clock to the Church's glory days. Fat chance! I'm staying on this side of the fence where my bread is buttered so to speak. The sad thing is I can't get them to shut down permanently because I get most of my material from them. It's kind of like a two-edged sword. You know what I mean!
Working feverishly around the clock for weeks without air conditioning, The Remnant’s crack investigative staff has finally uncovered the real author of Pope Francis’ new recyclical, Laudato Si’. Who might this prolix promoter of pervasive population control be? He is a little-known but recent addition to the Council of The Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, an obscure theologian and enologist by the name of Diehard de Chardonnay, SJ. Though this appointment was completely overlooked by Vaticanistas, it apparently evoked considerable muted puzzlement among his peers, causing Academy Council President Margaret S. Archer to make assurances that Father de Chardonnay, as someone who has "labored long and fruitfully in the cosmic vineyard," does indeed bring a substantial and seminal new presence to the prestige of the Academy.
Seeking to provide the traditionalist faithful with more information about this mysterious priest, The Remnant has completed a thorough and comprehensive study of Father's published work, from which we have compiled a topical précis of his thought - which, we trust, will prove to be a handy guide for our readers.
Breaking News: Pope Francis Demands Catholics convert en masse to Islam!
Written by Thomas More
While continuing his tour of Latin America today, Pope Francis shocked many who were present when he demanded that all Catholics convert to Islam: “I know, I know, it sounds scandalous,” he said with his trademarked jocular dismissal of heretical statements and actions, “and I know there will be small-minded people who do not see the logic of what the Spirit has spoken to me, but it is clear that the only way Mankind can realize true unity and the one world government God so desperately desires, or should I say, Allah, so desperately desires, is for all Christians, and especially Catholics, to convert to Islam.”
As his private AlItalia jet’s contrails ripped into the ozone high above the continent, Francis reclined, threw his feet on a neighboring seat, revealing knee-high Doc Martin boots, and smiled: “Look,” he said, “it takes someone truly humble like me to finally come out and say it: This is the fruit of the Council. Ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue are actually far more important to God than the Church. God really hates division, more than anything else, and the Church has historically been a great source of division. Thus, everyone who loves Jesus must experience a conversion—a conversion to Islam.
When the commission’s findings are made public—after Pope Francis hears the verdict—the world will finally realize the truth about Medjugorje. Are the visions for real, or have we been duped?
For years there have been certain individuals who poo poo the claims made by these fine, exemplary Catholic visionaries. The naysayers will tell you the Blessed Virgin, in speaking to these stalwarts of the Faith, contradicts traditional Catholic doctrine; that she has told them things that are heretical! Really?
Vatican-Appointed Spokesperson Gives First News Conference Regarding New Direction for Vindicated LCWR
Written by M.T. Church
Vatican-Appointed Spokesperson Gives First News Conference
Regarding New Direction for Vindicated LCWR
(A-CNN Report) Newly appointed spokesperson for the LCWR (Liberal Community of Women Revolutionaries), Sister Gaylee Van Dyke, opened her first press conference with an invocation composed by her long-time associate and companion, Sister Minnie Brayne. Sister explained that this invocation will replace the antiquated, divisive “Sign of the Cross” at all their functions and gatherings. She proceeded with hands held high:
“In service to Father Universe, Mother Earth and Spirit of Vatican II. A-Person” (Sister explained that the term “Amen” was too gender specific. Furthermore, she expressed the hope that this supplication will be universally adopted for Catholics and non-Catholics alike.)
Vatican Announces Official Synod on the Family Compendium Trilogy
Written by James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist
Speaking to a select group of journalists gathered with him around his crystal ball, Father Giovanni della Piccolo Bologna, SJ, also known as the Vatican’s Chief Sorcerer, asserted his openness to the idea that the assorted mélange of new age beliefs is entirely compatible with Catholicism.
A New Doctor of the Church (with apologies to Raymond Chandler)
Written by John Ingram
I walked into the large tent in front. A scrawled wooden sign hung over the entrance: “Dr. Bergoglio’s Holistic Health and Wellness Center." Underneath that, another one: “I’m OK, You’re OK - So Who am I to Judge?" The musty smell of sheep hung in the air like a moldy pile of damp laundry. The tent flap opened easily. Too easily.
A male nurse gave me the cold once-over, took my information and motioned me to a seat with an elegant gesture. A queer feeling came over me, as though I had unwittingly crossed a threshold into...“Mr. Marlowe?" Old Doc Bergoglio himself stood before me. His horn-rimmed glasses only partially concealed a leering expression. “Hmmm," I thought, “that queer feeling again." He invited me into his examination area. A small partition in the back, hardly bigger than a confessional.