Working feverishly around the clock for weeks without air conditioning, The Remnant’s crack investigative staff has finally uncovered the real author of Pope Francis’ new recyclical, Laudato Si’. Who might this prolix promoter of pervasive population control be? He is a little-known but recent addition to the Council of The Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, an obscure theologian and enologist by the name of Diehard de Chardonnay, SJ. Though this appointment was completely overlooked by Vaticanistas, it apparently evoked considerable muted puzzlement among his peers, causing Academy Council President Margaret S. Archer to make assurances that Father de Chardonnay, as someone who has "labored long and fruitfully in the cosmic vineyard," does indeed bring a substantial and seminal new presence to the prestige of the Academy.

Seeking to provide the traditionalist faithful with more information about this mysterious priest, The Remnant has completed a thorough and comprehensive study of Father's published work, from which we have compiled a topical précis of his thought - which, we trust, will prove to be a handy guide for our readers.

While continuing his tour of Latin America today, Pope Francis shocked many who were present when he demanded that all Catholics convert to Islam: “I know, I know, it sounds scandalous,” he said with his trademarked jocular dismissal of heretical statements and actions, “and I know there will be small-minded people who do not see the logic of what the Spirit has spoken to me, but it is clear that the only way Mankind can realize true unity and the one world government God so desperately desires, or should I say, Allah, so desperately desires, is for all Christians, and especially Catholics, to convert to Islam.”

As his private AlItalia jet’s contrails ripped into the ozone high above the continent, Francis reclined, threw his feet on a neighboring seat, revealing knee-high Doc Martin boots, and smiled: “Look,” he said, “it takes someone truly humble like me to finally come out and say it: This is the fruit of the Council. Ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue are actually far more important to God than the Church. God really hates division, more than anything else, and the Church has historically been a great source of division. Thus, everyone who loves Jesus must experience a conversion—a conversion to Islam. 

When the commission’s findings are made public—after Pope Francis hears the verdict—the world will finally realize the truth about Medjugorje. Are the visions for real, or have we been duped?

For years there have been certain individuals who poo poo the claims made by these fine, exemplary Catholic visionaries. The naysayers will tell you the Blessed Virgin, in speaking to these stalwarts of the Faith, contradicts traditional Catholic doctrine; that she has told them things that are heretical! Really?

Vatican-Appointed Spokesperson Gives First News Conference
Regarding New Direction for Vindicated LCWR

(A-CNN Report) Newly appointed spokesperson for the LCWR (Liberal Community of Women Revolutionaries), Sister Gaylee Van Dyke, opened her first press conference with an invocation composed by her long-time associate and companion, Sister Minnie Brayne.  Sister explained that this invocation will replace the antiquated, divisive “Sign of the Cross” at all their functions and gatherings.  She proceeded with hands held high:

“In service to Father Universe, Mother Earth and Spirit of Vatican II.  A-Person” (Sister explained that the term “Amen” was too gender specific. Furthermore, she expressed the hope that this supplication will be universally adopted for Catholics and non-Catholics alike.)