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At a press conference in Saint Peter’s today, ISIS spokesman Mohamoud Al-Mohammed Bin-Mohamad officially withdrew the ISIS Fatwah against the Holy Father, Pope Francis. 

Welcoming the gesture as a victory for inter-faith dialogue, Pope Francis pressed the issue further, calling for easing of the European ban on honor killings.  The Holy Father blamed the European Catholic fundamentalists whom, he said, had “legal mindsets like the Pharisees,” and “whose mouths stank like faeces,” because in their speech it was clear that they were “unable to open their minds wide enough to accept such a long-lasting custom, simply because it was a different path to the Divine Spirit.” 

Taking the podium after Pope Francis, and tired after a long trek through Eastern Europe with a dragoon of his best fighters, Bin-Mohamad waived his automatic rifle in a gesture of victory. Fashionably dressed with a dark black Armani scarf around his face and a black-and-white chequered Burberry Keffiyeh wrapped around his black Chanel pyjama-clad shoulders, he let loose a few rounds in the air.

A-CNN Special Report:  As everyone knows trying to keep a secret in the Vatican with all its porous walls is not the easiest thing to do. The latest conversation centers on Pope Francis’ plans to visit Cuba and meet with the Castro Brothers as part of his goodwill tour to the Americas followed by a visit with President Barrack Obama. Pope Francis has said on occasion that he has Communist friends who are good people and that even atheists who are good persons can be saved, so this really should not come as a total surprise, considering statements he has made in the recent past:

“The Marxist ideology is wrong. But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended,” Francis said.

September 5, 2015

Kasper/Marx Wedding Update

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Thanks to some crack work by A-CNN reporters Fortino and Baker we can confirm that Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York will be acting as the groomsmaid at the upcoming Kasper/Marx wedding, and that the happy couple are registered in the Vatican gift shop. Cardinal Dolan will wear a pink surplice and rainbow-colored stole, and what can we say, “Good for him! We congratulate him!”

Archbishop Auza was the big winner at yesterday’s UN Global Domination through Deception awards ceremony.   Archbishop Auza, the Holy See’s ambassador to the UN, took home the coveted “George Orwell – Lewis Carroll Jabberwocky Double Speak” award which recognizes excellence in incomprehensible “clarifications.”

The Archbishop won the award for “clarifying” his prior statement to the effect that the Holy See agrees fully and unequivocally with the UN sustainable development goals, including the human rights of abortion and contraception. When the incompatibility of the sustainable development goals with the Catholic Faith was brought to the Vatican’s attention, Auza “clarified” his remarks by saying that the Holy See may not actually fully agree with the sustainable development goals, including abortion and contraception between “a man and a woman,” because of its well-known moral -stance, which was so well-known that he would not bother to state it, unless, of course, that stance were to conflict with human rights, in which case it would actually fully agree.

In his daily meditation during Mass at Santa Marta on September 1, 2015, Pope Francis focussed on Saint Paul’s directive to Christians that they should comfort and give each other hope. He then told Catholics to consider God’s Final Judgment and stop talking about theology or what the Church and its hierarchy are up to. No, really, really, he did: The Pope’s homily appears here:

Building on the words of Paul in the Gospel for September 1, 2015, Francis, who was standing behind a great curtain while manipulating several large levers, noted that he has learned during the course of his pontificate that a lot of people are actually looking at what he and the hierarchy are up to.

Yesterday evening when speaking with A-CNN reporter, Dees Astor, Donald Trump noted his sincere feelings of indebtedness to Pope Francis for his recent bump in the polls.

“Prior to Laudato si, I mean, there were a lot of Republican candidates out there, and some of them had a good shot at the nomination,” said Trump in his usual matter-of-fact no-nonsense style, his hands chopping the air in front of him. “You had Bush, Rubio, and as I understand it, Santorum…they say Santorum attends, what do you call it again, oh yeah, Mass, every day, so you had, you had a lot of Catholic guys out there…”

In light of the upcoming 2015 Synod on the Family, Father Federico Lombardi, the Vatican spokesman, has stated that it is quite possibly the Holy Father’s will that the Synod fathers tackle the issue of a drafting a Constitution for the entire world.

“The Holy Father has said that it is not necessarily his idea, he is just throwing the whole thing out there. However, just because it is not his idea does not mean that there is not a right way about going about this entire project,” said Father Lombardi.

As Father Lombardi stated, the Holy Father has intimated that he may agree with the concepts of separation of powers and checks and balances, but he is not actually saying that. Thus, it may be good for the Synod to divide the new world government into four branches, Executive, Legislative, Judicial and Clerical.

The neo-Catholic world is outraged over the stunning discovery of a hi-tech electric chair plot and its intended plan to spiritually jolt Pope Francis at the September 26-27 World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia. The discovery was made serendipitously by an FBI undercover agent working with local law enforcement officials on an unrelated risky sting operation.

What appeared at first to be a simple goodwill gesture on the part of the Philadelphia Industrial Correctional Center, a joint venture of guards, inmates and staff, was revealed by FBI agents to include an insurgent well-orchestrated plot designed to shock Pope Francis out of, what the conspirators believed to be, a Diabolical Disorientation and into a Sensus Catholicus.

Shortly after the election of the current Bishop of Rome, it became alarmingly apparent that a new Pontifical Council had to be instituted--The Pontifical Council for Damnum Imperium (Damage Control). Never before in the history of the Holy Roman Catholic Church has such a drastic measure been necessary. However, due to the Bishop of Rome's "off the cuff", spontaneous, “speak freely" style, the Roman Curia deemed it absolutely urgent to create a council whose sole mission is to re-interpret, sugar coat, disguise, explain away, minimize, and cover up in any way possible the confusing, misleading, baffling, disordered, perplexing, bewildering, destructive words, actions, gestures and every sort of behavior from the Supreme Pontiff.

A-CNN has learned that Cardinal Kasper and Cardinal Marx are to wed in an Irish ceremony in November. Sources close to the happy groom and groom tell us that they have been very much in love since before Pope Francis ascended to the throne of Peter, but that they have been waiting for the Holy Spirit to prepare the world for the unique gifts they possess prior to scheduling their wedding. It is expected by the two men that the Spirit will prepare the world at the Synod on the Family in October.

It is believed that the couple are planning on adopting three children, a number that the Holy Father recently stated he thinks is the “perfect number.” The Pope has also stated that Catholic families need not “breed like bunnies.”

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