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September 17, 2021

Announcing Novus Oreos!

Written by  Jason Morgan
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Are you tired of the same old Oreos from time immemorial? Are you fed up with the forced black-and-white conformity of the usual routine?

Then you need Novus Oreos!

The Vatican bakery is thrilled to announce a new and improved (and yet totally the same and not changed at all and continuous and identical!) Novus Oreo for the Protestant in all of us.

Novus Oreos* are not your grand-martyr’s Oreos. For one thing, Novus Oreos feature a rainbow-colored filling to celebrate the recategorization of “pride” from sin to virtue. What’s more, on the front of each Novus Oreo is a portrait of a person who embodies Novus Oreo style: John XXIII, Bishop Barron, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, random Womenpriests—collect them all! Trade with your friends! Mix and match and go crazy!

And be sure to upload photos of yourself enjoying Novus Oreos in a cinder-block former Foot Locker location with your back turned to the tabernacle and your arms raised in supplication to the vaxxed-up hoi polloi!

The best part about Novus Oreos is that the backs are blank so you can customize each one. Novus Oreos come with a special Reinhard Marx-shaped icing pen—use it to write your name on each Novus Oreo to personalize it, or draw pictures of your favorite eco-terrorist nun. The Vetera Oreos were all about conformity, reverence, and the same-old-same-old latria week in and week out. Novus Oreos are about YOU! All about you! Latria, shmatria—get your groove on and step out into the brave new world! There’s unity in diversity as long as everyone is doing something orthogonally different and nobody is thinking about God!

(But remember, Novus Oreos are exactly the same as Vetera Oreos. There is no difference between them.)

Unlike Vetera Oreos and their rigid boxes, Novus Oreos come in a compostable green felt bag decorated with mealy-mouthed platitudes about world peace. Give them as a gift or keep them for yourself! A few lucky Novus Oreos fans will open their green felt bags to find two tickets to the latest Vatican production of Frankie Goes to Hollywood—Live! (starring Francis as “Frankie” and various Hollywood reprobates as “Hollywood,” with special cameo appearances by sleazy reprobates from the entertainment industry in New York, some dressed in vestments on loan from Cardinal Timmy “Novus Oreo” Dolan!).

Vetera Oreos will no longer be sold and anyone caught with Vetera Oreos will be publicly shamed as a fascist or some kind of nut. But remember—Vetera Oreos and Novus Oreos are identical, so why not pick up some Novus Oreos today? Or else!

*Novus Oreos are gluten-free. Transubstantiation voids the Novus Oreo warranty. Enjoy Novus Oreos responsibly by intincting them in vaccine and rubbing alcohol and wrapping them in two urethane masks before consuming at a distance of eight yards from the nearest germ-infested human. Love your neighbor, but don’t overdo it. The Vatican is not responsible for any metaphysical consequences of using Novus Oreos. Novus Oreos should not be consumed when doing so will offend Muslims, Lutherans, Wiccans, Zoroastrians, Pastafarians, Zumba enthusiasts, RINOs, or vegans. Novus Oreos are hermeneutically continuous with Vetera Oreos by fiat, but fiats change so deal with it.

Read 816 times Last modified on September 17, 2021