At a press conference in Saint Peter’s today, ISIS spokesman Mohamoud Al-Mohammed Bin-Mohamad officially withdrew the ISIS Fatwah against the Holy Father, Pope Francis.
Welcoming the gesture as a victory for inter-faith dialogue, Pope Francis pressed the issue further, calling for easing of the European ban on honor killings. The Holy Father blamed the European Catholic fundamentalists whom, he said, had “legal mindsets like the Pharisees,” and “whose mouths stank like faeces,” because in their speech it was clear that they were “unable to open their minds wide enough to accept such a long-lasting custom, simply because it was a different path to the Divine Spirit.”
Taking the podium after Pope Francis, and tired after a long trek through Eastern Europe with a dragoon of his best fighters, Bin-Mohamad waived his automatic rifle in a gesture of victory. Fashionably dressed with a dark black Armani scarf around his face and a black-and-white chequered Burberry Keffiyeh wrapped around his black Chanel pyjama-clad shoulders, he let loose a few rounds in the air.
“ISIS is the first to admit its mistakes,” he said, “and in the case of Pope Francis we must say that we erroneously thought that he was a Catholic. Now, after three years of his unremitting criticism and minimization of Catholicism, and given his welcoming of Islamists into Europe, we must admit that we were clearly wrong and that the Roman Pontiff is actually on the side of Islamism.”
“Aye, wye, aye, wye, aye” he yelled while moving his tongue from one side of his mouth to the other while firing a few more rounds in the air.
“For this reason, and because we believe that America, the land of Satan is still—for all of its secularism—deeply Christian, we have decided that we will provide security for Pope Francis on his tour of the US. We really would hate for anything to happen to this pope. He is a real gem.”