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September 5, 2015

Triumph and Tragedy for Archbishop Auza

Written by  Thomas More
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Archbishop Auza assists Cardinal Dolan in conferring knighthood on Rabbi Schneier Archbishop Auza assists Cardinal Dolan in conferring knighthood on Rabbi Schneier

Archbishop Auza was the big winner at yesterday’s UN Global Domination through Deception awards ceremony.   Archbishop Auza, the Holy See’s ambassador to the UN, took home the coveted “George Orwell – Lewis Carroll Jabberwocky Double Speak” award which recognizes excellence in incomprehensible “clarifications.”

The Archbishop won the award for “clarifying” his prior statement to the effect that the Holy See agrees fully and unequivocally with the UN sustainable development goals, including the human rights of abortion and contraception. When the incompatibility of the sustainable development goals with the Catholic Faith was brought to the Vatican’s attention, Auza “clarified” his remarks by saying that the Holy See may not actually fully agree with the sustainable development goals, including abortion and contraception between “a man and a woman,” because of its well-known moral -stance, which was so well-known that he would not bother to state it, unless, of course, that stance were to conflict with human rights, in which case it would actually fully agree.

In receiving the award from Sister Gaylee, last year’s winner, he proudly held the statuette of Scooby Doo above his head, and to much applause and laughter pulled the string, “Whaaaaaaaaat?” asked Scooby inquisitively. Tears of jubilation at the recognition flowed from Auza’s eyes.

On a related note, we have been advised that at the awards dance afterwards the archbishop unfortunately sustained a significant and permanent brain injury when he tripped on his tongue while tap dancing. We are happy to report, however, that although his brain damage was profound and irreversible, doctors assure us that it will not in any way affect the way he normally does his job.



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