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August 24, 2015

Laudato Si’s Ghost-Writer Revealed!

Written by  John Ingram
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Working feverishly around the clock for weeks without air conditioning, The Remnant’s crack investigative staff has finally uncovered the real author of Pope Francis’ new recyclical, Laudato Si’. Who might this prolix promoter of pervasive population control be? He is a little-known but recent addition to the Council of The Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, an obscure theologian and enologist by the name of Diehard de Chardonnay, SJ. Though this appointment was completely overlooked by Vaticanistas, it apparently evoked considerable muted puzzlement among his peers, causing Academy Council President Margaret S. Archer to make assurances that Father de Chardonnay, as someone who has "labored long and fruitfully in the cosmic vineyard," does indeed bring a substantial and seminal new presence to the prestige of the Academy.

Seeking to provide the traditionalist faithful with more information about this mysterious priest, The Remnant has completed a thorough and comprehensive study of Father's published work, from which we have compiled a topical précis of his thought - which, we trust, will prove to be a handy guide for our readers.

Background. Diehard de Chardonnay's theology dates back to a seemingly insignificant incident in his vineyard in 1975. While examining his vines one day, Father unwittingly stepped on and crushed a grape that had fallen to the ground. Suddenly, his nervous system sensed the enormous anguish experienced by the grape as its life was extinguished before it had produced any wine. In a simultaneous flash of revelation he conceived of the sacred pulsating unity of all central nervous systems, and their eternal rootedness in the planetary, solar and galactic nervous systems. He immediately described this unity as the "Milky Way Plexus," a theory upon which all other aspects of his thought are built.

Social Justice. Chardonnay's theory of social justice flows organically - one might even say Plexotically - from his vision of the universal sacred sensorium. It was also heavily influenced by a sabbatical in Nicaragua during the 1980s, during which he provided a much-needed theological grounding for Sandanista leaders. Diehard holds that all created things are evolving toward a supremely perfected and just interrelationship, a state in which the flow of Divine Nervous Impulse can never be denied to any part of the Mystical Nervous System of Christ. In honor of the Marxist Earthly Paradise envisioned by the Sandinistas, Father describes this perfected just state as the "Ortega Point." Once humanity has ushered the Ortega Point into being, no further oppression, exploitation or marginalization will occur, and we will find ourselves under the benign and benevolent stewardship of a heretofore unknown pantheon of the heavenly host, a race of enlightened beings called "Neurons."

Sexual Orientation. Diehard's view of sexuality is simply this: since sexuality is expressed via nervous impulse, and since all nervous impulses are sacred and holy, no one impulse can be restricted by an outmoded "morality," or by an elitist priestly class which wrongly excludes - albeit theoretically - these sacred impulses from their own life experience. Therefore, says Chardonnay, what matters is not the gender of one's sexual partner, but the pure, unimpeded and just transmission of the sacred impulse, so that the union of two entities may produce a sum much greater than their internal organs. Since the sacred impulse, according to Chardonnay, is transmitted more intensely among men, he has labeled his sexual theories the "Gay-a Hypothesis."

casper cowEvolution. A recurrent theme in the writings of de Chardonnay is the evolution of consciousness from the biosphere (the primordial nervous muck) toward a reflective, thinking layer of matter which he called the "moosphere," named after the cow and its famed ability to chew its cud. Once the moosphere is fully developed (an event to be synchronized with the realization of the Ortega Point), all social intercourse among sentient beings will begin with the salutation "I behold the bovine in you."

The Physics of Divinity. De Chardonnay has codified the Divine Nervous Impulse into two distinct fundamental types: radial, and bias ply. Radial Impulses, which run at 90 degree angles to the medial cortex, provide better traction and decreased rolling resistance on the Nervous Superhighway, resulting in improved neural transmission rates. Bias Ply Impulses, on the other hand, run at 45 degree overlapping angles, resulting in rigidity and resistance to change, a state clearly undesirable for the development of the moosphere. Therefore, concludes Diehard, the pursuit and development of the Radial Divine Impulse, particularly in its all-weather configuration, is undoubtedly the preferred form of spiritual development.

In a memorandum introducing de Chardonnay to her Academy Council, Professor Archer further characterized him as "a true ally of those whose careers are dedicated to searching for existential needles in an ontological haystack." The Remnant warmly welcomes Father Diehard to the Catholic scientific community.


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