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August 19, 2015

Vatican-Appointed Spokesperson Gives First News Conference Regarding New Direction for Vindicated LCWR

Written by  M.T. Church
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Sister Gaylee Van Dyke Sister Gaylee Van Dyke

Vatican-Appointed Spokesperson Gives First News Conference
Regarding New Direction for Vindicated LCWR

(A-CNN Report) Newly appointed spokesperson for the LCWR (Liberal Community of Women Revolutionaries), Sister Gaylee Van Dyke, opened her first press conference with an invocation composed by her long-time associate and companion, Sister Minnie Brayne.  Sister explained that this invocation will replace the antiquated, divisive “Sign of the Cross” at all their functions and gatherings.  She proceeded with hands held high:

“In service to Father Universe, Mother Earth and Spirit of Vatican II.  A-Person” (Sister explained that the term “Amen” was too gender specific. Furthermore, she expressed the hope that this supplication will be universally adopted for Catholics and non-Catholics alike.)


Finding it difficult to hide her triumphant glee, Sister Van Dyke expressed her heartfelt gratitude to the Bishop of Rome and his Churchmen (some were convinced she said “henchmen”) for liberating the LCWR and empowering them to continue their great work without fear of reprisals from rigid restorationists.

Sister Gaylee stressed that the intent of this press conference was not to give an all inclusive outline for the coming agenda, but merely to introduce in a general way the goals and mission of the LCWR. 

Sister Van Dyke spoke briefly about the political aspects of the LCWR which will focus mainly on the environment, climate control, global warming, social justice and of course, the plight of the poor as they travel the country in their super deluxe custom-made fully-loaded, chauffeured driven, metallic pinstriped forest green bus.   On this note, Sister assured those in attendance that their newly-renovated bus was personally inspected by Mr. Al Gore and it was determined to be equipped with the latest state-of-the-art environmentally- friendly devices and safeguards. She was delighted that “Mr. Carbon-Footprint”, as she affectionately referred to Mr. Gore, related to her that the Bishop of Rome made him feel “soooo catholic”.

Admitting that matters such as abortion, same-sex marriage and various issues of morality have already been decided by the culture, it would be nonsensical and futile to squander their energies on “lost causes” which are not in conformity with the “Who Am I to Judge” mentality.

While women’s religious orders of the past may be commended for their noble efforts regarding the education of youth, care of the sick, orphans, widows and oppressed, it has been proven that these causes are more ably left to governmental agencies and secular institutes.

At this point, a jubilant Sister Gaylee presented the lofty mission of the reorganized LCWR:

  1.  Ecumenism- “That all may be one”.  It doesn’t matter which “one”.  Nitpicking is an obstacle to progress.
  2.  Ecology/Environment -  “The key word here is GREEN.” Sister encouraged her nuns to wear green pantsuits as often as possible.  While green nail polish and dyeing hair green is not mandatory, it will not be frowned upon either.
  3. Equality- Economic and social justice for all as defined by the Bishop of Rome.
  4. Eradicate- “Everything  before Vatican II must be eradicated from memory.”  Looking back is confusing and destructive and serves no useful purpose.

A giddy Sister Gaylee Van Dyke ended the press conference promising that the next “E” (Evolution) will be discussed in depth on the Oprah Show.    A smiling Sister Gaylee Van Dyke left the podium with a bounce in her step softly singing “On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again….”



Read 2388 times Last modified on August 26, 2015