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   Bad-Hair Day after Dec. 21

(A-CNN)Participants at the Doha Climate Summit were shaken by the release of a top secret study on global warming prepared for the United Nations by Scientists To Unify Precious Informational Data (STUPID), a think tank funded by a consortium of concerned investment banks.


(A-CNN)  The Foundation for Equality, Atheism & Resistance (FEAR), a national public policy organization, is suing every major retail store in the  Mall For America (MFA) for failing to pass a Mall-wide ordinance against salesclerks  wishing shoppers “Happy Holidays”.  The lawsuit names not only the main anchors of the Mall—Macy’s, Nordstrom and Sears—but also the junior anchors—Barnes & Noble, Best Buy, Old Navy, LEGO, the Apple Store to name a few.


  Finally, a Catholic Emeril!

(A-CNN) A-CCN has acquired a leaked screenplay of the upcoming made-for-TV movie about EWTN’s latest prime time show. The movie is to be called, “Cooking with Raymond: the Untold Story.” It is based on the book by the show’s former director, Joe Smith. Here is a sneak peek!


 (A-CNN) In a landmark decision the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the presence of books in public schools violates a student’s Constitutional right to Equal Protection and Due Process and the penumbra of rights known as the Right to Privacy.  Justice Ginsberg delivered the majority decision in O’Dare v. Georgia Department of Education


  (A-CNN) An astonishing discovery at the Vatican this week has turned the debate over the role of Pope Pius XII in the Holocaust upside down. Critics of the Catholic Church have long maintained that Papa Pacelli, the beloved Holy Father of the War Years, was in fact a Nazi sympathizer in secret collusion with Adolf Hitler.

“As it turns out, things were even worse than we’d thought,” said Abe Wolfman head of the Penny-Ante Defamation League (PADL) at a  press conference in Rome on Wednesday. “Pius XII wasn’t just ‘Hitler’s Pope’. Pius XII was Adolf Hitler!”

Controversy Over Liturgical Bears

Allium Cepa News Network (ACNN) has just received a breaking story from the Vatican.  A motu proprio has just been issued by the pope. This much anticipated document finally ends the contentious debate regarding the use of dancing bears in the Novus Ordo liturgy.  Before we proceed, however, a brief history of liturgical bears is in order.

The first reported use of a dancing bear in a liturgy came on August 12th in Berkley, CA.  On that day, Fr. Kevin Smith, pastor of Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community, introduced a live dancing bear into the sanctuary during the 10 am Mass.  The addition came as a shock to some of the parishioners.  Parishioner John Hart stated, “I knew the Vatican issued a statement on the use of bears in the liturgy, but I must say, I never expected the bears to actually dance during the Mass.”  Other parishioners had more positive reactions.  Animal rights activist Robin Byrd remarked, “This is a glorious day in the history of the Church.  Finally these bears can share in our joy of the Risen Lord, a Lord not just of people, but of bears as well.”    

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