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A-CNN has learned that Cardinal Kasper and Cardinal Marx are to wed in an Irish ceremony in November. Sources close to the happy groom and groom tell us that they have been very much in love since before Pope Francis ascended to the throne of Peter, but that they have been waiting for the Holy Spirit to prepare the world for the unique gifts they possess prior to scheduling their wedding. It is expected by the two men that the Spirit will prepare the world at the Synod on the Family in October.

It is believed that the couple are planning on adopting three children, a number that the Holy Father recently stated he thinks is the “perfect number.” The Pope has also stated that Catholic families need not “breed like bunnies.”

Continuing his ongoing series of addresses on the Family in St. Peter's Square today, Pope Francis announced that the Square will soon be dug up, seeded with agricultural grass, and stocked with animals that will be allowed to roam freely while receiving the Sacraments from Catholic priests:

“I received this idea from the Spirit who renews and changes all things,” said the Bishop of Rome, “In this way we can make Saint Peter’s Square an animal field hospital. For animals are always on the periphery, always judged, always forgotten, always exploited. Animals, which, as I stated in Laudato si, Mankind has the privilege of leading to God. This privilege, like taking care of Mother Earth, is also a right and an obligation.”

In response to the UK Catholic Bishops’ call to consider and confess environmental transgressions within the Sacrament of Reconciliation, English Catholic, Emelia Durrant, has been granted absolution. However, Ms. Durrant, 25, a shopkeeper’s assistant from Bath, was shocked when the Missionary of Mercy priest who heard her confession told her, “Don’t worry, none of this matters, God is so full of mercy he doesn’t care what you do!”

In response to Pope Francis’s environmental encyclical, Laudato si, the UK Bishops, who are historically known for their loyalty to the both doctrine and the Holy See, recently released a Laudato si coloring book. The coloring book is aimed at reducing the pain and paper required to read the Pope’s recent environmental encyclical.

Today the Catholic Church in the UK announced that on September 5, 2015, it will release a study guide that “is intended as a short accompaniment” to Pope Francis’s Laudato si.   Explaining the decision, Cardinal Vincent Nicols stated: “Well, as you all know, Laudato si itself is a monster in terms of paper and pure repetitiveness, so we just thought that if we could shorten it a bit and hit the highlights we might stop some people getting the original and having to suffer through it. We also thought that the original, for most people, might unnecessarily waste paper. In this way we feel that we can contribute to the minimisation of suffering of our fellow man and to the protection of the environment, which, after all, Pope Francis so desperately seeks.”

Vatican spokesman Frederico Lombardi could neither confirm nor deny it, but sources close to the Holy Father report that he may be considering a compromise in the question as to whether the “divorced and remarried” may be given Holy Communion. The compromise may involve giving the “divorced and remarried”—or Extra-Marital Adventurers, as they are now to be called—Communion, but insisting that they give the Host right back.

Additionally, adultery sensitivity training is to be required during pre-Cana classes and for anyone who proposes to be a God-Parent, a Lector, or an Extra-Ordinary Minister of Communion.

In a move that shocked few in the Vatican, Pope Francis has directed Cardinal Fernando Filoni, the Prefect of the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples, to “get his computer people to find the full list of Ashley Madison contributors.”

In making the announcement, a somewhat stunned and timid looking Cardinal Filoni said that “The Holy Father called me the other day and gave me the directive to research the list of participants on the site and to get in touch with them. In so doing the Holy Father mentioned that undoubtedly many of the participants were being judged quite harshly by their wives and their communities, and now was the perfect time to reach out to them and tell them that the Catholic Church doesn’t really care what they have been up to, they are welcome here.”

August 25, 2015

The Pope is Always Right

Written by

Hello, my name is Michael Borish and I have a website called Church Militia TV. Unless you are living on another planet (don't worry, ET, we will meet in heaven!), you must be familiar with my work in defense of Real Catholicism. You see, I am a Real Catholic. However I cannot use that term because I am also an Obedient Catholic.   You might want to think of me as a traditional Catholic with a small "t", not to be confused with those nasty Traditional Catholics with a capital "T". Heaven forbid! Just because they adhere to what they call the True Faith doesn't mean they can criticize the Pope who doesn't have a clue about what the True faith is!

My main job is to expose lies and falsehoods in the New Church although it would be outrageous to blame the Second Vatican Council, which started this whole mess. Shame on those who do!! You know who they are. They are those stubborn restorationists living in the past who think they could turn back the clock to the Church's glory days. Fat chance! I'm staying on this side of the fence where my bread is buttered so to speak. The sad thing is I can't get them to shut down permanently because I get most of my material from them. It's kind of like a two-edged sword. You know what I mean!

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