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In a very brief press conference conducted by a visibly shaken Father Fedrico Lombardi, the following announcements were made to a startled audience consisting of countless reporters from around the world.

Father Lombardi, apparently too flustered to give an in-depth report, merely listed the essence of this bombshell announcement without going into further details:

1.  Pope Francis has stated that he has fulfilled the goal of his papacy.  The Synod on the Family is the final nail in the coffin of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.  While Vatican II left rubble, the Synod will bury the rubble so deep, no one will even remember there was a Church before Vatican II.  Since the outcome of the Synod was pre-determined, there is no reason to wait for a final report.

Quoting the Fifth Commandment: “You Shall Not Kill” and in particular the nuanced implication of deprivation of life caused by the denial of Climate Change the Holy Father has issued the edict that henceforth sins committed against the environment and the integrity of the earth will be in violation of the “Will of the Holy See.” As such they will be considered grave or mortal sins for which souls are condemned to everlasting Hell.

The dictum will be enforced concurrent with the “Year of Mercy” for which confessions will become available and licit even with the SSPX who are now considered irregular and by some schismatic.

Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Holy Father, Pope Francis, will make a quick trip to Chicago in order to appear on a special episode of the Jerry Springer Show.

Father Lombardi announced that Pope Francis, who is in the U.S. this week, was contacted by Mr. Springer late last week, and that Mr. Springer at that time had “floated the general idea” by the Bishop of Rome.  A mutual Hollywood friend, who has been quietly helping the Vatican to update its image, gave Mr. Springer the Pope’s number.

It is currently planned that the episode will be called “Adulterers, Spousal and Child Deserters, and the Pope Who Defends Them no Matter How Much Destruction they Wreak!” 

At a press conference in Saint Peter’s today, ISIS spokesman Mohamoud Al-Mohammed Bin-Mohamad officially withdrew the ISIS Fatwah against the Holy Father, Pope Francis. 

Welcoming the gesture as a victory for inter-faith dialogue, Pope Francis pressed the issue further, calling for easing of the European ban on honor killings.  The Holy Father blamed the European Catholic fundamentalists whom, he said, had “legal mindsets like the Pharisees,” and “whose mouths stank like faeces,” because in their speech it was clear that they were “unable to open their minds wide enough to accept such a long-lasting custom, simply because it was a different path to the Divine Spirit.” 

Taking the podium after Pope Francis, and tired after a long trek through Eastern Europe with a dragoon of his best fighters, Bin-Mohamad waived his automatic rifle in a gesture of victory. Fashionably dressed with a dark black Armani scarf around his face and a black-and-white chequered Burberry Keffiyeh wrapped around his black Chanel pyjama-clad shoulders, he let loose a few rounds in the air.

A-CNN Special Report:  As everyone knows trying to keep a secret in the Vatican with all its porous walls is not the easiest thing to do. The latest conversation centers on Pope Francis’ plans to visit Cuba and meet with the Castro Brothers as part of his goodwill tour to the Americas followed by a visit with President Barrack Obama. Pope Francis has said on occasion that he has Communist friends who are good people and that even atheists who are good persons can be saved, so this really should not come as a total surprise, considering statements he has made in the recent past:

“The Marxist ideology is wrong. But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended,” Francis said.

September 5, 2015

Kasper/Marx Wedding Update

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Thanks to some crack work by A-CNN reporters Fortino and Baker we can confirm that Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York will be acting as the groomsmaid at the upcoming Kasper/Marx wedding, and that the happy couple are registered in the Vatican gift shop. Cardinal Dolan will wear a pink surplice and rainbow-colored stole, and what can we say, “Good for him! We congratulate him!”

Archbishop Auza was the big winner at yesterday’s UN Global Domination through Deception awards ceremony.   Archbishop Auza, the Holy See’s ambassador to the UN, took home the coveted “George Orwell – Lewis Carroll Jabberwocky Double Speak” award which recognizes excellence in incomprehensible “clarifications.”

The Archbishop won the award for “clarifying” his prior statement to the effect that the Holy See agrees fully and unequivocally with the UN sustainable development goals, including the human rights of abortion and contraception. When the incompatibility of the sustainable development goals with the Catholic Faith was brought to the Vatican’s attention, Auza “clarified” his remarks by saying that the Holy See may not actually fully agree with the sustainable development goals, including abortion and contraception between “a man and a woman,” because of its well-known moral -stance, which was so well-known that he would not bother to state it, unless, of course, that stance were to conflict with human rights, in which case it would actually fully agree.

In his daily meditation during Mass at Santa Marta on September 1, 2015, Pope Francis focussed on Saint Paul’s directive to Christians that they should comfort and give each other hope. He then told Catholics to consider God’s Final Judgment and stop talking about theology or what the Church and its hierarchy are up to. No, really, really, he did: The Pope’s homily appears here:

Building on the words of Paul in the Gospel for September 1, 2015, Francis, who was standing behind a great curtain while manipulating several large levers, noted that he has learned during the course of his pontificate that a lot of people are actually looking at what he and the hierarchy are up to.

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