As Far as A-CNN is Concerned the Greatest Catholic Website in the World is The Remnant, Click Here to Check It Out!

The following is one of my favorite satire pieces from the Remnant's Alium Cepa News Network (A-CNN).

I reproduce it here for your reading enjoyment...

 

Demon Alleges Lack of Preparation for Vatican II Exorcism

By I. M. Persiflage

Dear Satan,

It is with great animosity that I file this official complaint regarding my recent assignment to possess a high school student at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community. As you are well aware I am a very junior demon and this was my first possession assignment outside of Hell. The training I received from senior demons in preparation for this assignment did not prepare me in the least for what I experienced. From what I was told, I would be sent into the world to fight the forces of good and score a victory for the powers of Hell. Instead I myself was exposed to a Hell I have heretofore never experienced.

As you are aware, as a junior demon I have been assigned to the more shallow circles of Hell and my contract explicitly states I am not to be exposed to anything approaching the 5th circle or greater. As you will see my experience during this possession rates at least an 8th, if not 9th circle level of torment. I have included a statement of what transpired below as evidence of my claims.

In addition, I am petitioning for compensation. I want to be assigned for at least six weeks to demon corps seven, which is assigned to tempt Catholic politicians. As you know the demons in this corps do practically nothing since it is impossible to tempt people who have no conscience. This will give me adequate time to recover from my traumatic possession experience inflicted by the negligence of those senior demons who failed to properly prepare me. Thank you for your consideration of this request.

Demonically,

Anibalus

 

Statement Regarding the Possession of Hunter Jones on February 22, 2013

I was assigned to possess a high school student by the name of Hunter Jones at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community in California, U.S.A. Hunter was disinterested in church, but was being forced by his parents to participate in the teen band that played at the parish rock Mass. I took possession of Hunter as his band played a Metallica song for the Eucharistic hymn at the 5pm Saturday Mass. The pastor set up a meeting with me the next week.

(A-CNN) This week, in a shocking move, the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) has declared itself a hate group. The decision came as a surprise to many SPLC followers. The SPLC was founded in 1971 to fight white supremacist organizations. Over the years, the SPLC began to compose a list of organizations they consider “hate groups.” This “hate list” began by including legitimate “hate groups” such as the KKK and Neo-Nazis.



   Bad-Hair Day after Dec. 21

(A-CNN)Participants at the Doha Climate Summit were shaken by the release of a top secret study on global warming prepared for the United Nations by Scientists To Unify Precious Informational Data (STUPID), a think tank funded by a consortium of concerned investment banks.


(A-CNN)  The Foundation for Equality, Atheism & Resistance (FEAR), a national public policy organization, is suing every major retail store in the  Mall For America (MFA) for failing to pass a Mall-wide ordinance against salesclerks  wishing shoppers “Happy Holidays”.  The lawsuit names not only the main anchors of the Mall—Macy’s, Nordstrom and Sears—but also the junior anchors—Barnes & Noble, Best Buy, Old Navy, LEGO, the Apple Store to name a few.


  Finally, a Catholic Emeril!

(A-CNN) A-CCN has acquired a leaked screenplay of the upcoming made-for-TV movie about EWTN’s latest prime time show. The movie is to be called, “Cooking with Raymond: the Untold Story.” It is based on the book by the show’s former director, Joe Smith. Here is a sneak peek!


 (A-CNN) In a landmark decision the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the presence of books in public schools violates a student’s Constitutional right to Equal Protection and Due Process and the penumbra of rights known as the Right to Privacy.  Justice Ginsberg delivered the majority decision in O’Dare v. Georgia Department of Education


  (A-CNN) An astonishing discovery at the Vatican this week has turned the debate over the role of Pope Pius XII in the Holocaust upside down. Critics of the Catholic Church have long maintained that Papa Pacelli, the beloved Holy Father of the War Years, was in fact a Nazi sympathizer in secret collusion with Adolf Hitler.

“As it turns out, things were even worse than we’d thought,” said Abe Wolfman head of the Penny-Ante Defamation League (PADL) at a  press conference in Rome on Wednesday. “Pius XII wasn’t just ‘Hitler’s Pope’. Pius XII was Adolf Hitler!”

Controversy Over Liturgical Bears

Allium Cepa News Network (ACNN) has just received a breaking story from the Vatican.  A motu proprio has just been issued by the pope. This much anticipated document finally ends the contentious debate regarding the use of dancing bears in the Novus Ordo liturgy.  Before we proceed, however, a brief history of liturgical bears is in order.

The first reported use of a dancing bear in a liturgy came on August 12th in Berkley, CA.  On that day, Fr. Kevin Smith, pastor of Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community, introduced a live dancing bear into the sanctuary during the 10 am Mass.  The addition came as a shock to some of the parishioners.  Parishioner John Hart stated, “I knew the Vatican issued a statement on the use of bears in the liturgy, but I must say, I never expected the bears to actually dance during the Mass.”  Other parishioners had more positive reactions.  Animal rights activist Robin Byrd remarked, “This is a glorious day in the history of the Church.  Finally these bears can share in our joy of the Risen Lord, a Lord not just of people, but of bears as well.”    

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