(A-CNN Special Extra Edition) Based on recent discoveries uncovered in an ancient Romanesque Crypt found in the remote recesses of the Argentinian campuses, the Vatican today proudly announced the authenticity of the Gospel According to Frank. Cardinal Izzy Offthecuffski, the Prefect of The Pontifical Anthropological and Archeological Scientific Synodical Commission on Scriptural Hermeneutics, a subdivision of the Congregation of Interfaith Dialectics, has issued the finished manuscript containing his imprimatur. The required final scrutiny by the C.E.O of the Catholic Answering service and the Vortex Inquisition Commission has been notified and their approval and certification are immanently expected. The publication by the Official Vatican Press will commence after the approval and certifications are received and reviewed by Pope Francis.
Editor's Note: Allium-Cepa is Latin for onion. The Remnant's sister "news" organization is A-CNN-- Allium-Cepa News Network. Attention humor-challenged Neo-Catholic friends: You might want to Google ‘The Onion’ if you still don’t get it. MJM)
As many of you know, Michael Voris recently apologized for reporting Cardinal Raymond Burke’s statement that Pope Francis was doing harm to the Church (See Video HERE). Hours later, however, Voris came to the conclusion that his own logic additionally forbade him from continuing on at CMTV. In a statement released minutes ago, Voris says the following:
“Clarification (Part Deux)
Hello everyone. Michael Voris coming to you from Rome with a second clarification.
Breaking News from the Vatican Party Shop:
Exciting the pundits of the secular press and the more liberal lobby leaders of Neo-Catholicism is the newest Vatican Party Shop line of Trad-bashing Piñatas. Designed as eye-catching cartoonish characterizations of the overtly pompous traditionalist clergy in their pre-Vatican II garb is where the fun begins. Smashing the treat-filled trad-clerical figures, especially those of the neo-Lefebvrian orders, is sheer delight and it is causing somewhat of a sensation even among the more sophisticated moderate neo-Catholic cults.
Rumor has it that the idea originated in the diocese of Buenos Aries, always a hotbed of anti-Lefebvre animosity and somehow made its way to the Vatican following the election of Pope Francis. Now the cool and amusing beating up on the trad-clerical piñatas and the like hung in effigy is spreading like an infectious virus throughout the neo-Catholic culture. The colorful candy filled clerics come in three basic sizes consisting of large, medium and even small for the more intimate occasions. Each anti-trad piñata comes individually gift wrapped and labeled with the name of your favorite trad-to-hate group prominently displayed. Right now the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate are on the top of the hit list with the FFI nuns running a close second. There is however, a growing interest in smashing the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) models and especially the Extraordinary Bishop Fellay piñata that is touted to be the party favorite of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.
(July 1, 2014) A-CNN Special Report – Vatican Office of Information and the Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular announces the: “Official Papal Guide to Understanding “Francis Speak” the New Universal Language of the Church.”
The revolutionary new and “Official Guide to Understanding the New Universal Language of the Church” given to us by Pope Francis is a compendium translator for his brilliant and unique complexities common to his linguistic phenomena and is currently under final review by the editors and theologians of the Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular. The completed project will be presented to Pope Francis prior to the October Synod and upon his approval will be made available to the public sometime in November of 2014.
This Opus Magnus Lexicon represents the most extensive work that the Vatican Congregation for the Discipline of Cryptic Vernacular (CDCV) has produced to date although it is evolutionary and will remain as such, a continuing work in progress. Coming from and in response to various sectors of the religious community as well as from secular quarters of society there has been and still is a growing curiosity if not an urgent need to clarify dogmatically and specifically what is to be understood within the commonly called “off the cuff” elocutions, phone calls and informal interviews produced and published which apparently do incorporate the new language communicative preferences of Pope Francis.
C-NN BRAKING NEWS from the Vatican: First International Invitational Charismatic Rally, “On the Rock and the Wholly Rollers?”
The Vatican Congregation for Liturgical Affairs is setting the stage for the Premier International Pentecostal Charismatic Summit to be held at the Vatican in 2017. Unofficially the word is going around that it is sure to be a smash hit especially with the young crowd as it plans to introduce the sensational new Vatican charismata rock group, “Rock and the Wholly Rollers”. True to their name’s sake which reflects the name and theme of this first time ever event the lead guitarist, Poco Loco said, “the spirits are reaching out in a whole new way now that Vatican II has introduced ecumenical religious liberty.” This epic-changing charismata-rock group has a new album in production titled: “Tongue Rappers” that has its followers and fans preordering faster than you can say aggiornamento.
An Invitation and Symbiotic Encouragement from Pope Francis: “I expected all of you, Charismatics from around the world, to celebrate your Great Jubilee with the Pope at Pentecost 2017 in St Peter’s Square,” the Pope said.
“The celebration in Rome's Olympic Stadium began with the song, "Vive Jesus, El Senor," ("Jesus, the Lord, Lives") a Spanish-language song which Francis -- who claims he is tone deaf -- joined in singing with his hands open like many in the crowd. The pope said he likes the song, which charismatics in Argentina also sing: "When I celebrated the holy Mass with the charismatic renewal in the Buenos Aires cathedral, after the consecration and after a few seconds of adoration in tongues, we sang this song with such joy and strength."
BRAKING NEWS: The Vatican Congregation for the Causes of the Saints has released a new proposal to improve the Beatification Qualification process concerning the need for miracles by venerable candidates. The agreed solution involves the creation of a miraculous pool/bank of certified miracles that occur within a particular time period from which those candidates, such as the Pope, now St. John XXIII, can be attached and credited with. The hypothesis concerns the theological attachment of the Communion of Saints and how they share in a spiritual life of events and how too, they can cooperatively share in the miracles during their time on earth.
“From those who have the greatest ability to those who have the greatest need.”*
It is not as if miracles were not plentiful during the Twentieth Century; there are thousands of documented events attributed to the holy monk St. Padre Pio alone. The question is in the neo-theology of sharing this resource so that the new egalitarian and ecumenical Church of post-Vatican II can prosper by them. Since we now have eliminated or at least avoid hierarchical references and prefer equality of status it can be presumed fair to consider the relationship of sainthood in a certain guideline time period and the miraculous events of that period; rather than emphasize an individual’s direct involvement with the miraculous event.
Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office has just announced that the newly created Vatican Congregation for Liturgical Creativity (VCLC) will take part in the celebration of the Pope Paul VI Beatification Vatican Ceremony and Celebration.
Planned for this October 2014, the VCLC will initiate the “Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award” presentation. The award winning Liturgy will be celebrated at the opening of the Beatification celebration and the awards ceremony will take place as part of the Beatification closing events.
The Most Novel Spirit of Vatican II Liturgical Award will be the first grand prize award of its kind ever given for liturgical creativity. The award will be presented by the Bishop of Rome (a.k.a. Pope Francis) to the liturgical team leader who has created the most novel worship liturgy service in the ordinary Novus Ordo form. The decision to award this prize by the VCLC at this time is to show particular honor to and celebrate Pope Paul VI’s Novus Ordo Missae and Sacrosanctum Concilium.