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February 3, 2020


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VATICAN CITY, FEBRUARY 3, 2020 — A commission of cardinals, bishops, clergy, and laity has been appointed by the Congregation for Clergy to study evidence that orangutans once exercised diaconal functions in the ancient church. Responding to objections, Archbishop Aldo Huxley of Borneo defended the inevitability of the commission’s work. “Even if the evidence is almost non-existent and hinges on questionable archaeological theories, that’s no reason for skepticism. Look at Darwinian evolution, or the liturgical reform, both of which are accepted now by everyone.”

When pressed for what the evidence amounts to, Huxley noted: “There are all sorts of ancient records that refer to ‘primates’ in the Church, and with the help of German scholars (like the eminent Josef Altmann, S.J.), we have been able to make provisional reconstructions of what might have been their role.”

Traditionalist Swedish GreatTrad Thunberg, 16, addressed Vatican’s Action Summit in Rome on Monday. Here's the full transcript of GreatTrad’s speech, beginning with her response to a question about the message she has for Church leaders.

"My message is that we'll be watching you. This is all wrong. I shouldn't be up here. I should be back in church at the Traditional Latin Mass facing East. Yet you all come to us young people for hope. How dare you!

You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. And yet I'm one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire parishes, convents and monasteries are collapsing. We are in the beginning of the Mass extinction, and all you can talk about is ecumenism and fairy tales of eternal modernist growth. How dare you!

A-CNN’s Don Persiflage had the opportunity to sit down with President Donald Trump today and conduct an interview. President Trump is currently running to be Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. What follows is the transcript of that interview:

Don: Thank you for coming on the show, Mr. President; we’re honored to have you.

Trump: You’re welcome, Don. As you know I’m doing you a favor as your network has been downgraded to extremely fake news in my opinion. It’s just above Patheos at this point, to be honest with you.

Don: Well, we try to report the news as fairly as we can, but thank you Mr. President. As we know you are currently President of the United States, yet you are still running for pope. Now that you are president, wouldn’t you have to resign the presidency if elected pope?

Trump: Look, I could have easily run my companies and the country at the same time. It’s not that hard. I basically achieved everything I wanted to do in the White House in the first 40 days. We’re winning big league. At this point I have to find other things to do. I could easily fix the Church in my spare time. It’s pretty simple actually.

As many of you know, the National Catholic Register recently fired Mark Shea. After his firing, Shea went on Facebook to allege various accusations most thought were mere conspiracy theories. Shea wrote:

The Register’s donor base is those folks, people who hate Francis and think Trump is awesome…The Register has to please these people and when they demand me as a human sacrifice, they have to do it or the money goes away. The excuse was my lack of charity. But the *reason* was because that mob hates Francis and love[s] Trump and I could not be tolerated.

Many laughed off Shea’s claims, figuring them to be sour grapes. However, as it turns out, Shea had only revealed the tip of the iceberg. A-CNN’s Don Persiflage was granted an exclusive interview with Mr. Trump wherein the GOP nominee explains exactly what happened. Here is the transcript of the interview, which was aired earlier today on “The Deal with Don”:

This just in from the front offices of the Vatican: The Holy Father has finally announced his decision to create, as first woman Cardinal of the Holy Catholic Church, Ms. Hillary R. Clinton.

As word started to spread this morning of this truly spirit-filled and revolutionary action by the Holy Father, the Vatican hallways became busily alive with enthusiastic ebullience. Although it was expected that at some point during his papacy Pope Francis would create a woman Cardinal the short list of candidates was always a mystery. The choice of Ms. Clinton was however, always highly suspect since she was so active in international women and children welfare projects. Ms. Clinton’s interest in health care for women and especially in the areas of contraception, sterilization and abortion are without precedent and her constant effort to limit child birth and children so that they would avoid being unwanted has long been consistent with Pope Francis’ global view of responsible sustainable development.

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After months of debate and controversy, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced plans to redesign the $20 bill to include the face of a woman (at least for the moment) who represents "everything America means to the world today".

Lew confirmed that Andrew Jackson will move from the face of the $20 to make way for pop superstar, Miley Cyrus—a decision which supporters of Jackson contend means that a certified moron has now been selected to grace the face of a U.S. banknote.

Rumor has it that the buzz pervading through the Vatican corridors concerns the formulation of a “New Name” for the Church! The modern hierarchy has been trying in different ways to reflect the true New Spirit of Vatican II and to celebrate how far the Church has progressed from the rigid old traditionalist past and now, finally, they think they have found a splendid solution.

The modernized and liberated Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in conjunction with the Pastoral Ecumenical Commission for unrestricted pantheism have been working on integrating doctrine with blended theologies and interfaith experiences.

The Vatican announced earlier this week that Pope Francis will wash the feet of young refugees during Mandatum of Holy Thursday this year. It wasn’t clear if non-Catholics would be among the refugees participating at an asylum center in Castelnuovo di Porto, north of Rome, but women will almost certainly be involved.

In a surprise announcement, Vatican official, Archbishop Rino Fishyello, later revealed that there will be at least one pair of Catholic male feet involved in the ceremony: those belonging to Hollywood heartthrob, Leonardo DiCaprio.

“Leonardo was raised a Roman Catholic,” said Fishyello, “and like most Catholics these days, he isn’t particularly religious. But he’s not an atheist, either…not that it would matter if he were, since Francis tells us atheists get to go to heaven too now.”

Shamokin, Pa — Fr Rodney Little, newly appointed pastor of Blessed Paul VI Parish, said an entire Mass last Sunday without once using the word "God.”

"I've been working on it for a long time," said a beaming Father Little, wiping his brow, "and I was finally able to pull it off."

When questioned, parishioners leaving the church had no idea that they had just been witnesses to history. “Really?” said one woman who identified herself as a Minister of Hospitality, “The good thing about Father Rod is that you would never know he is a priest. Like, he’s totally a regular guy. They should give him a raise”

TheDonaldTheFirst 617x999 00000002In shocking news first reported a week ago, businessman Donald Trump has converted to Catholicism and has now declared his candidacy for Pope. Today's announcement coincides with critical statements Pope Francis made about Mr. Trump not being a Christian. Mr. Trump just held a rally outside of New York City. Although video is not available, A-CNN has just acquired the audio transcript which we are providing below:

Thank you….thank you. You know, when I first started this campaign, people didn’t believe me. First they said, he’s not converting, he’ll never convert. Then I converted. Then they said, he’ll never get baptized, he won’t want the water to mess up his hair. But then I got baptized. Then they said he won’t get confirmed, and I got confirmed. And then they said he’d never run for pope. Well here I am, and I’m running for Pope; and I’m doing very well I must say.

(Cheers, applause)

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