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James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist

James Cunningham / A-CNN Columnist

Satirical commentator and really old Catholic guy who spent most of his life reading Catholic newspapers and books while holding down a Rail Road conductor's job on Long Island.  Father of five, grandfather of ten and married to the same sweetheart for fifty+ years. Traditionally Catholic to the core.  

A-CNN Vatican Report, December 19, 2014 -- In a surprise move The Pope of “Surprises” announced to the public this morning that the cause for sainthood has finally made its way through the Congregation for the Causes of Saints and a date was set for the Beatification of Blessed Archbishop Marcel François Marie Joseph Lefebvre.

Pope Francis has always admired the Archbishop’s traditionalist rigidity and devotion to the objective truth and discipline of the Supreme Magisterium and the entire deposit of Holy Faith. Expressed in many ways of kindness towards the SSPX and the laity who adhere to the Holy Catholic Faith it really is no surprise that Pope Francis has supported the efforts of Bishop Williamson in taking up the Archbishop’s cause for sainthood.

(A-CNN Special Extra Edition) Based on recent discoveries uncovered in an ancient Romanesque Crypt found in the remote recesses of the Argentinian campuses, the Vatican today proudly announced the authenticity of the Gospel According to Frank. Cardinal Izzy Offthecuffski, the Prefect of The Pontifical Anthropological and Archeological Scientific Synodical Commission on Scriptural Hermeneutics, a subdivision of the Congregation of Interfaith Dialectics, has issued the finished manuscript containing his imprimatur. The required final scrutiny by the C.E.O of the Catholic Answering service and the Vortex Inquisition Commission has been notified and their approval and certification are immanently expected. The publication by the Official Vatican Press will commence after the approval and certifications are received and reviewed by Pope Francis.  

Breaking News from the Vatican Party Shop:

Exciting the pundits of the secular press and the more liberal lobby leaders of Neo-Catholicism is the newest Vatican Party Shop line of Trad-bashing Piñatas. Designed as eye-catching cartoonish characterizations of the overtly pompous traditionalist clergy in their pre-Vatican II garb is where the fun begins. Smashing the treat-filled trad-clerical figures, especially those of the neo-Lefebvrian orders, is sheer delight and it is causing somewhat of a sensation even among the more sophisticated moderate neo-Catholic cults.

Rumor has it that the idea originated in the diocese of Buenos Aries, always a hotbed of anti-Lefebvre animosity and somehow made its way to the Vatican following the election of Pope Francis. Now the cool and amusing beating up on the trad-clerical piñatas and the like hung in effigy is spreading like an infectious virus throughout the neo-Catholic culture. The colorful candy filled clerics come in three basic sizes consisting of large, medium and even small for the more intimate occasions. Each anti-trad piñata comes individually gift wrapped and labeled with the name of your favorite trad-to-hate group prominently displayed. Right now the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate are on the top of the hit list with the FFI nuns running a close second. There is however, a growing interest in smashing the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) models and especially the Extraordinary Bishop Fellay piñata that is touted to be the party favorite of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

In celebration of the many Pope Francis record-breaking humble achievements and in his being unanimously and universally chosen the winner of the “World’s Greatest Humble Person Award” the Vatican is introducing and inviting the Pope’s faithful fans and followers to enter and take part in the “Vatican International Humble Pie Contest” (VIHPC).   The promoters of the contest have told us that their intention was not just to highlight Pope Francis’ extraordinary humble qualities but, also to bring attention to the October Synod on the Family. The world is expanding and innovating and the family is reflecting, evolving and adapting to the modern world. Insiders have told us that the Synod on the Family will explore these new concepts and respond with new humble and merciful faith solutions to meet and resolve the new spiritual challenges of the progressive modern Catholic family.

“Humble Pie”, Symbol of Family and Pope Francis:

The “Humble Pie” symbolizes the modern family which can be made up of many new ingredients and then sectioned into individual pieces while maintaining the diverse unity. It also symbolizes the Pope’s humble view of an egalitarian society where wealth redistribution and economic stagnation brings about poverty equity while maintaining liberation theology. Vatican Spokesperson Fr. Lumbar in this morning’s Vatican briefing asked the question: “What could possibly be more symbolic of the family and homey comfort food other than pie and what could be more symbolic of Pope Francis than “Humble Pie”?

It has been determined by the Special Research Committee of the Vatican Congregation for the Renewal of the Church (VCRC) that the traditional hierarchical order of the pre-conciliar Traditional Catholic Church does not in any way accurately reflect or fit into the present world of modern man. In reaction to the popular praxis of the overriding democratic fairness principle Pope Francis has called for a renewal of Vatican protocol to bring inline the Church and the secular world. An Official who spoke in anonymity said, “This is a new age and a new spirit which calls for a new Church with many new choices. Conscience is not a matter of conformity but a unified diversity of egalitarian evolution within the hermeneutics of continuity and that is our living tradition. We need to become more tolerant and aware of individual choices.”

Special Cafeteria Committee of Cardinals Recommends a neo-Church of Choice:

A Special Committee of Cardinals gathering in the Vatican cafeteria initiated by Pope Francis within the VCRC for the purpose of restoring a brotherhood of egalitarian cooperation and simpatico within present plebian genre has completed their study and made recommendations for a neo-Church of “Choice” . Experts who are most familiar with the project suggest: “That the old restrictive medieval style Catholic Church should be completely renewed and replaced with a truly new ‘Aggiornamento Church’ of choice reflecting the vision of St. Pope John XXIII in union with the Spirit of Vatican II. This is the chosen course that has completely captured the new Vatican cafeteria visionary, Pope Francis (affectionately known as Captain Cafeteria) and it is the one all those in the neo-Church are certain to follow.”
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