This just in from the front offices of the Vatican: The Holy Father has finally announced his decision to create, as first woman Cardinal of the Holy Catholic Church, Ms. Hillary R. Clinton.
As word started to spread this morning of this truly spirit-filled and revolutionary action by the Holy Father, the Vatican hallways became busily alive with enthusiastic ebullience. Although it was expected that at some point during his papacy Pope Francis would create a woman Cardinal the short list of candidates was always a mystery. The choice of Ms. Clinton was however, always highly suspect since she was so active in international women and children welfare projects. Ms. Clinton’s interest in health care for women and especially in the areas of contraception, sterilization and abortion are without precedent and her constant effort to limit child birth and children so that they would avoid being unwanted has long been consistent with Pope Francis’ global view of responsible sustainable development.
Rumor has it that the buzz pervading through the Vatican corridors concerns the formulation of a “New Name” for the Church! The modern hierarchy has been trying in different ways to reflect the true New Spirit of Vatican II and to celebrate how far the Church has progressed from the rigid old traditionalist past and now, finally, they think they have found a splendid solution.
The modernized and liberated Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in conjunction with the Pastoral Ecumenical Commission for unrestricted pantheism have been working on integrating doctrine with blended theologies and interfaith experiences.
Quoting the Fifth Commandment: “You Shall Not Kill” and in particular the nuanced implication of deprivation of life caused by the denial of Climate Change the Holy Father has issued the edict that henceforth sins committed against the environment and the integrity of the earth will be in violation of the “Will of the Holy See.” As such they will be considered grave or mortal sins for which souls are condemned to everlasting Hell.
The dictum will be enforced concurrent with the “Year of Mercy” for which confessions will become available and licit even with the SSPX who are now considered irregular and by some schismatic.
A-CNN Special Report: As everyone knows trying to keep a secret in the Vatican with all its porous walls is not the easiest thing to do. The latest conversation centers on Pope Francis’ plans to visit Cuba and meet with the Castro Brothers as part of his goodwill tour to the Americas followed by a visit with President Barrack Obama. Pope Francis has said on occasion that he has Communist friends who are good people and that even atheists who are good persons can be saved, so this really should not come as a total surprise, considering statements he has made in the recent past:
“The Marxist ideology is wrong. But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended,” Francis said.
The neo-Catholic world is outraged over the stunning discovery of a hi-tech electric chair plot and its intended plan to spiritually jolt Pope Francis at the September 26-27 World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia. The discovery was made serendipitously by an FBI undercover agent working with local law enforcement officials on an unrelated risky sting operation.
What appeared at first to be a simple goodwill gesture on the part of the Philadelphia Industrial Correctional Center, a joint venture of guards, inmates and staff, was revealed by FBI agents to include an insurgent well-orchestrated plot designed to shock Pope Francis out of, what the conspirators believed to be, a Diabolical Disorientation and into a Sensus Catholicus.
A-CNN Breaking Story: The Catholic Church in its ecumenical wisdom and neo-exegesis tradition with and by the authority expressly granted by the Second Vatican Council document proclamation of SACROSANCTUM CONCILIUM, DECREES:
50. The rite of the Mass is to be revised in such a way that the intrinsic nature and purpose of its several parts, as well as the connection between them, may be more clearly manifested, and that devout and active participation by the faithful may be more easily achieved.
For this purpose the rites are to be simplified, due care being taken to preserve their substance. Parts which with the passage of time came to be duplicated, or were added with little advantage, are to be omitted. Other parts which suffered loss through accidents of history are to be restored to the vigor they had in the days of the holy Fathers, as may seem useful or necessary.
Revised Praxis: To be granted to achieve the more active participation in the Novus Ordo Mass. The table of the Eucharist is to be extended and or supplemented with auxiliary tables in such a way as to provide for the new useful and necessary self-service ministry and for the restoration of the People’s Liturgical Buffet Eucharist Distribution Table.
“The Pope has opened the windows and doors of the post-Second Vatican Council Catholic Church to the wonderful world that it once mistakenly viewed as a place of darkness needing the light of Christendom.”
Breaking News: The Vatican Press Office just released a statement concerning the Vatican Plan for a New One World Order Morality based on the threat of Climate Change and the mandatory conservation of the Earth. This papal document will be revealing the indisputable science which shows the detrimental impact human beings have made on the eco system. Not only irreparable damage to the environment but, also the cruelty of capitalistic unfair disparity in the distribution of goods, education and the land practices humans exploit and invest in. A new economy is being designed to better meet the needs of the marginalized poor who want jobs and a better opportunity for social development but, never seem to get it. It has been noted that the Holy Father has been saying, “The poor you will not always have among us”. Plans to incorporate an additional hermeneutic for a new more ecumenical morality code for sharing the earth are being drawn up. Since this new morality’s central focus is the planet Earth there will be an emphasis placed on the ecumenical management of social justice through science, technology and democracy. These new ideas are a reflection and refinement of the old Marxian axiom: “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need”.
Breaking News: Vatican City Papal Address to the Church and those faithful following their consciences. The new Motu Proprio Document by Pope Nemo I is titled “Video Tuo Audio” with disciplines for the extended Modern Catholic Universal Church as regards the proper comportment for the required new Sunday fulfillment of Ordinary Eucharistic Mass attendance obligations:
The modern Church is rapidly moving away from the traditional parochial community to the more pan-religious community. Today, in fact, the average age of priests has approached retirement age. With this evolution of extra-ecclesiology and concurrent shortage of priest presiders the use of brick and mortar structures has become obsolete. Economic assets have been reduced to critically low proportions due primarily to legal fees and debt compensation needed for clerical pedophilia indiscretion.