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Chris Jackson | Remnant Columnist

Chris Jackson | Remnant Columnist

A-CNN’s Don Persiflage had the opportunity to sit down with President Donald Trump today and conduct an interview. President Trump is currently running to be Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. What follows is the transcript of that interview:

Don: Thank you for coming on the show, Mr. President; we’re honored to have you.

Trump: You’re welcome, Don. As you know I’m doing you a favor as your network has been downgraded to extremely fake news in my opinion. It’s just above Patheos at this point, to be honest with you.

Don: Well, we try to report the news as fairly as we can, but thank you Mr. President. As we know you are currently President of the United States, yet you are still running for pope. Now that you are president, wouldn’t you have to resign the presidency if elected pope?

Trump: Look, I could have easily run my companies and the country at the same time. It’s not that hard. I basically achieved everything I wanted to do in the White House in the first 40 days. We’re winning big league. At this point I have to find other things to do. I could easily fix the Church in my spare time. It’s pretty simple actually.

TheDonaldTheFirst 617x999 00000002In shocking news first reported a week ago, businessman Donald Trump has converted to Catholicism and has now declared his candidacy for Pope. Today's announcement coincides with critical statements Pope Francis made about Mr. Trump not being a Christian. Mr. Trump just held a rally outside of New York City. Although video is not available, A-CNN has just acquired the audio transcript which we are providing below:

Thank you….thank you. You know, when I first started this campaign, people didn’t believe me. First they said, he’s not converting, he’ll never convert. Then I converted. Then they said, he’ll never get baptized, he won’t want the water to mess up his hair. But then I got baptized. Then they said he won’t get confirmed, and I got confirmed. And then they said he’d never run for pope. Well here I am, and I’m running for Pope; and I’m doing very well I must say.

(Cheers, applause)

(Editor's Note: Allium-Cepa is Latin for onion. The Remnant's sister "news" organization is A-CNN-- Allium-Cepa News Network. Attention humor-challenged Neo-Catholic friends: You might want to Google ‘The Onion’ if you still don’t get it. MJM)

(A-CNN) Today, in a surprise move, Karl Keating announced plans to completely overhaul his Neo-Catholic apologetics apostolate Catholic Answers. The plans were announced on Keating’s Facebook page and can be read below:

Greetings to my 4,926 Facebook friends! Let me start by saying that what you are about to read will come as a shock to you.  However, after countless hours of reflecting and praying during my various hiking trips across the globe (see HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), I have come to the following startling realization.  


I have decided that Catholic Answers’ work is now done. Yes, you heard me correctly. When I started this apostolate in 1979 I wanted to defend the Faith against the errors of Protestantism, win converts, and help build the Catholic Church into a thriving, fruitful, invigorated institution. Well, nearly 35 years later I can truly say, “Mission Accomplished!”

Editor's Note: Allium-Cepa is Latin for onion.  The Remnant's sister "news" organization is A-CNN-- Allium-Cepa News Network. Attention humor-challenged Neo-Catholic friends: You might want to Google ‘The Onion’ if you still don’t get it. MJM)

As many of you know, Michael Voris recently
apologized for reporting Cardinal Raymond Burke’s statement that Pope Francis was doing harm to the Church (See Video HERE). Hours later, however, Voris came to the conclusion that his own logic additionally forbade him from continuing on at CMTV. In a statement released minutes ago, Voris says the following:

“Clarification (Part Deux)

Hello everyone. Michael Voris coming to you from Rome with a second clarification.

It has often been said by Neo-Catholic apologists that we Traditionalists are uncharitable, mean-spirited, and ill tempered. Basically just downright mean. In order to dispel this notion, I've taken it upon myself to perform an act of charity towards Neo-Catholic apologists everywhere.

 

After considering many possibilities, I decided what can possibly be more charitable than assisting Neo-Catholic apologists to pray? And what do Neo-Catholic apologists pray? Well, among other things, they pray the Vatican II inspired Liturgy of the Hours issued by Paul VI in the 1970's. And found inside those Liturgy of the Hours as a Morning Prayer hymn is the song "Morning Has Broken."

The following is one of my favorite satire pieces from the Remnant's Alium Cepa News Network (A-CNN).

I reproduce it here for your reading enjoyment...

 

Demon Alleges Lack of Preparation for Vatican II Exorcism

By I. M. Persiflage

Dear Satan,

It is with great animosity that I file this official complaint regarding my recent assignment to possess a high school student at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community. As you are well aware I am a very junior demon and this was my first possession assignment outside of Hell. The training I received from senior demons in preparation for this assignment did not prepare me in the least for what I experienced. From what I was told, I would be sent into the world to fight the forces of good and score a victory for the powers of Hell. Instead I myself was exposed to a Hell I have heretofore never experienced.

As you are aware, as a junior demon I have been assigned to the more shallow circles of Hell and my contract explicitly states I am not to be exposed to anything approaching the 5th circle or greater. As you will see my experience during this possession rates at least an 8th, if not 9th circle level of torment. I have included a statement of what transpired below as evidence of my claims.

In addition, I am petitioning for compensation. I want to be assigned for at least six weeks to demon corps seven, which is assigned to tempt Catholic politicians. As you know the demons in this corps do practically nothing since it is impossible to tempt people who have no conscience. This will give me adequate time to recover from my traumatic possession experience inflicted by the negligence of those senior demons who failed to properly prepare me. Thank you for your consideration of this request.

Demonically,

Anibalus

 

Statement Regarding the Possession of Hunter Jones on February 22, 2013

I was assigned to possess a high school student by the name of Hunter Jones at Blessed Karl Rahner Catholic Community in California, U.S.A. Hunter was disinterested in church, but was being forced by his parents to participate in the teen band that played at the parish rock Mass. I took possession of Hunter as his band played a Metallica song for the Eucharistic hymn at the 5pm Saturday Mass. The pastor set up a meeting with me the next week.