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December 10, 2013

Pope Hitler?

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  (A-CNN) An astonishing discovery at the Vatican this week has turned the debate over the role of Pope Pius XII in the Holocaust upside down. Critics of the Catholic Church have long maintained that Papa Pacelli, the beloved Holy Father of the War Years, was in fact a Nazi sympathizer in secret collusion with Adolf Hitler.

“As it turns out, things were even worse than we’d thought,” said Abe Wolfman head of the Penny-Ante Defamation League (PADL) at a  press conference in Rome on Wednesday. “Pius XII wasn’t just ‘Hitler’s Pope’. Pius XII was Adolf Hitler!”


Wolfman’s announcement stunned the Vatican press corps and sent shockwaves across Europe. Only Cardinal Walter Cleaver managed to eek out a reply to the bombshell: “This doesn’t take us completely by surprise, of course. My only question is this: Why didn’t we see it?  Is there any chance that Pius XII wasn’t, in fact, Adolf Hitler?”

Wolfman didn’t bat an eye: “None! No chance!  And here’s proof. Ever see Pius and Adolf in the same room together? Neither did I. And neither did anyone I know—not even Elie Wiesel! Don’t you think that’s a skoosh suspicious?”

That was enough for Cardinal Cleaver who immediately suggested that the triple coffin of Pope Pius XII be unsealed so that the dental records of the late pontiff could be recorded and compared to those of Adolf Hitler. 

“Not that Hitler ever actually went to a dentist, Your Eminence,” Wolfman quickly reminded the Cardinal. “Being an Übermensch he didn’t have to, remember? ….Which only makes my thesis that much easier to prove. If Pius XII’s teeth show evidence of any dental work at all, I’ll drop my case. That’s how confident I am in this astonishing discovery.”

“REALLY!,” said Cleaver. “Fair enough!”

When our A-CNN reporter asked about the alleged bunker suicide of Adolf Hitler in April of 1945, 13 years before Pius XII’s death, Wolfman replied: “That’s what they want you to think, my anti-Semitic young friend.  But we never found a body, did we? How convenient! That's because Hitler simply donned his papal robes and ‘escaped’ back to the Vatican whence he’d come.”

“REALLY!” repeated a  now-breathless Cardinal Cleaver, his head moving back and forth in amazement, “and the rest is history! Given the overwhelming evidence Mr. Wolfman has produced, I should think it’s not even necessary to examine the papal teeth.”

Mr. Wolfman agreed, and Vatican experts later announced that in light of this shocking revelation, the canonization process of Pius XII would be put on hold indefinitely.

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