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May 20, 2014

No Crisis in the Church, Martians are Our Brothers

Written by  James Cunningham
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Breaking News: Special Vatican Research Commission on Interplanetary Religious Affairs (SVRCIRA) files its Report: “Vanishing Catholics”

A-CNN Special Report—The Long Awaited Report addressing the Traditionalist’s charge alleging that there is a Crisis in the post-Vatican II neo-Church has finally concluded. The Special Commission (SVRCIRA), appointed by Pope Francis, on Interplanetary Religious Affairs, has submitted their finished documented edition for publication.   With approval given by the Pope the SVRCIRA document has now been released by the Pontifical Council for Social Communications and can be accessed on the Vatican website. The project document is titled: “Vanishing Catholics”.

The Controversy:

A position of adamant denial, that any such Crisis exists within the Church, is the position that Pope Francis and the Magisterium have steadily maintained. This is not however, how the ridged restorationists who cling to traditions abandoned by the Second Vatican Council see the Church’s present position. Factual statistics however, do reveal that over 2,500 Catholic parish closings in the USA alone, not to mention their affiliated Catholic schools, rectories and convents followed in the wake of the Second Vatican Council. In fact, the rate of Catholic Parish Closings in the USA is steadily increasing, at what would normally be considered an alarming rate, and there seems to be no end in sight. The Cardinal Archbishop of New York’s Archdiocese, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, has been busily closing parishes and making plans to vacate the properties but, still maintains that no “Crisis” exists.

When Pope Benedict XVI gave his final address to the Magisterium he lamented that the Second Vatican Council with all its hopes did not produce a new “Springtime of Faith” and that a mysterious “Virtual Council” of the media captured the efforts and then misdirected and spoiled them. He voiced his concern over the many churches, schools, seminaries and convents that have been shutting down and blamed the “Virtual Council” for their demise. He also contended that a trivialization of the Liturgy had also resulted from the apparent hijacking. The Vatican Research Commission on Interplanetary Religious Affairs, SVRCIRA, however, has proven within its extensive research findings that Pope Benedict XVI was mistaken.

To everyone’s amazement the Pontifical Special Commission on Interplanetary Religious Affairs has determined that none of the traditionalist’s stated hypotheses or allegations are correct. What the Special Commission has found is that: what to Traditionalists appears as a “Crisis” and to the neo-Church as non-existent, using the modernist philosophical axiom: “that existence is an affected reality only through consciousness”, is in reality, something far different than what was previously imagined.    

The Commissions Actual Findings:

The Special Commissioners appointed by Pope Francis on the SVRCIRA team have successfully and definitively uncovered the mystery of the vanishing parishioners and other disappearing religious communities. They did this by using revolutionary new neo-Catholic mystical research science with the esoteric knowledge gained from extensive ecumenical dialogue and incorporating nondenominational charismatic renewal incantations.

What these commissioners have discovered is that the “Spirit of Vatican II” was so successful, exceeding all expectations, in the springtime process of renewal that a “Phenomenological Wave” formerly reserved for the Protestants known to them as “Rapture “was spontaneously activated in 1967 with the introduction of universal Novus Ordo. What the traditionalist Catholic never accepted or understood actually happened once Vatican II was put into practice. People from all walks of life who would normally make up the parish population simply were “taken up”.

Apparently, it happens in full as well as partial phenomenological waves that simply remove people from the Church buildings to another level of spirituality within the Spirit of Vatican II’s element of existential environmental evolution. The Chief Commissioner, Dr. Maximus, a Professor of Fr. Karl Rahner Theology, identifies the Catholic Vanishing process as: “Rapturizing”; a metamorphic of the ordinary parishioner into the Spirit of Vatican II’s astrological element.

The parishioner does not therefore leave the Church but simply the church building and atomizes and reforms into the new creature of Vatican II; the phenomena of the hoped for “Springtime”. The Commission therefore certifies with its findings what Pope Francis and the Magisterium already stated: that the success of the Second Vatican Council in renewing and revolutionizing the Catholic Church is incontrovertible.

People did not leave the Church because they were upset over the loss of the Latin Mass as traditionalists claim. People were not upset when their parish church buildings were stripped of their sacred altar rails, music, statuary and high altars. People were not upset when the stained glass windows were broken out and replaced with something less than holy. They were, on the contrary, so utterly transformed and inspired by the trashing of their churches that they were spontaneously “Rapturized” by the Spirit of Vatican II. They simply were “taken up” into thin air and incorporated into a higher less restricted worship form. Church buildings then organically became obsolete and needed to be recycled into parking lots or something designated as more environmentally useful.

Commissions Concluding Discoveries:

Previously the Spirit of Vatican II was a mysterious unknown quantity, now its reality has taken on a whole new interplanetary dimension thanks to the revolutionizing scientific work done by the Special Pontifical Commission on Interplanetary Religious Affairs, SVRCIRA. This discovery of the process now known as “Rapturizing” has also revealed that the transformation is not always completed in one “phenomenologic wave”. A peculiarity of the Spirit of Vatican II is that it takes some folks in a complete uplift and keeps others in a holding pattern. Apparently there are some who have not yet completed some neo-Church requirement and will be sent in a new, smaller green body with large black eves to see Pope Francis before they can be completely “taken up”. Obviously, the Spirit of Vatican II’s primary charism is in making Catholics Vanish but, not, in some instances, completely and not always in one step.

UFO’s Phenomena Explained:

This explains, without any doubt, the so called phenomena of Unidentified Flying Objects (UFO’s) and the common reference to little green people as Martians or as space aliens; none of which ever made any sense. The Vatican document clearly identifies these little green people as partially vanished parishioners from the now abandoned renovated modern Catholic Churches who fly around in what appear as saucer shaped spaceships waiting for an opportunity to visit with the Pope and complete whatever it is they require before permanent liftoff.

Since communications with the rapturized former but now green parishioners has not yet become available the Commission for Interplanetary Religious Affairs, SVRCIRA, speculates that those who were completely “taken up” will remain in their evolutionary green and environmental non-polluting Spirit of Vatican II forms on the far side of the moon until some later date.  Those waiting to see the pope will stay in flying saucers until they have completed their required papal audience and then will join the moon colony until further notice.

The Vatican experts have once again proven that the Traditionalists are lacking in scientific knowledge and understanding and should never be taken seriously. The progressive intellectuals have however, always enjoyed the reputation of being on the cutting edge of advanced technological scientific development and discovery and are therefore proud to bring you this revolutionary new theology based on proven fact and empirical wisdom.

We can therefore state unequivocally that there is no Crises in the Church; none there is that can be associated with the aforementioned organic Church closings. The study is now complete and all that remains is for the Spirit of Vatican II to finish the rapturizing process taking up all the neo-Catholic faithful in the new form and matter of little green people with large black eyes to live happily ever after on the far side of the moon.


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