Don: You could solve all of the problems in the Church in your spare time being President?
Trump: Don, I can have this charted out at Mara Lago on a golf scorecard in the time I’ll save by skipping the correspondent’s dinner. I already spelled it out in my declaration speech. First you get rid of Vatican II, which was a complete disaster by the way. Your network won’t admit it’s a disaster but it is. Then you repeal and replace the Novus Ordo. You disband the bishop’s conferences. You bring back the Holy Office and the Index. You knock the Hell out of the modernists. You clean up the seminaries, bring back the big beautiful altar rails. I can do this all in week one through Motu Proprios, Don. At that point I can replace the College of Cardinals with Trads and go play golf.
Don: Fascinating. But what about Amoris Laetitia?
Trump: Well, what this document says is that the Pope wants to give Trump Holy Communion, ok. Can you believe it? He wants to give me Holy Communion.
Don: Pope Francis wants to give Donald Trump Holy Communion?
Trump: Don, you’ve read it. Everybody’s read it. Amoris Laetitia says if you are in my situation you can receive Holy Communion. So the Pope wants to give me Holy Communion.
Don: But you’ve been married three times?
Don: But that’s …
Don: ..common knowledge.
Trump: Wrong! Don, this is why your ratings are in the tank. The Catholic Church says that I only got married one time, ok? I shouldn’t have to be explaining this to you Don. I’ve been a Catholic for like, what, two months? And I know more about this than you. It’s really sad when you think about it.
Don: You know many of your conservative Catholic supporters would not approve of you receiving Communion as Pope.
Trump: That’s why I’m not.
Don: You’re not?
Trump: Don, I could go get as many annulments as I wanted to right now from Cardinal Dolan or “Tim!” as he likes to be called. They were giving them out like candy before Francis and now he made them even easier to get. So I could get all kinds of annulments. But I don’t want fake annulments, ok? Too many fake annulments. We need less annulments, quite frankly. And if I’m elected pope you will see the number of annulments go down big league. But as Pope I would not receive Communion because the rules say no and we’ve got to follow the rules. The rules mean nothing under this Pope. He makes up his own rules.
Don: Won’t your critics object to a Pope not receiving Communion?
Trump: Well it’s better than what they have now quite frankly. Right now they have a pope who may be receiving sacrilegious Communion to be honest with you. I have a lot of very smart Catholic friends who say he’s heretical. He actually said there is no Catholic God, ok, and he’s out there receiving Communion every day and wants to give it to me. Look, I’m not heretical, ok? I’m the least heretical person you’ll ever meet. I hate heresy. But we’ve had some pretty bad hombres as popes before, far worse than me, ok? But they didn’t ruin the Church and some of them actually did some good things. And I will do a lot of good things, this I can tell you. But this pope? He’s ruining the Church and he has to go, we have no choice.
Don: As you know, many on the right and left are upset that you are actively campaigning for the papacy. The pope is elected by a conclave. How can you “run for pope?”
Trump: Don, how can I not run for pope? I only converted a few months ago, and I see my Church going down the tubes. Francis is killing us, ok. Vocations down, marriages down, Mass attendance down, it’s a disaster. I’ve even heard there are Cardinals who voted for Francis who regret it and they regret it deeply. So conclaves do get it wrong from time to time and they got it wrong this time.
Don: But aren’t the conclaves guided by the Holy Spirit?
Trump: Don, you won’t find anyone with more respect for the Cardinals than me, ok? But they were stupid. The Holy Ghost doesn’t help stupid people. And it is the Holy Ghost by the way. People never say Holy Ghost anymore, they are afraid to say it. It’s very sad. When I’m elected Pope we will be saying Holy Ghost again, believe me. But you have some very stupid people in the conclave and what? Is the Holy Ghost going to make them smarter? I guess He could, through a miracle, but not likely, ok. Not likely. They have this thing called “free will” and obviously they told the Holy Ghost to take a hike during the last conclave.
Don: But how do you respond to people who say you are mixing politics with religion?
Trump: Sometimes religion needs some politics, ok?
Don: I’m sorry. You’re saying religion needs politics?
Trump: Don, I’m a smart guy ok. I graduated top of my class at Wharton School of Finance. I’ve read my history. Are you familiar with Pius X? He’s actually Saint Pius X. Great guy in my opinion. Tremendous guy. I say in my campaign speeches that I’m going to be the greatest pope who ever lived, but St. Pius X is going to be tough to beat, believe me. You heard of Pius X?
Don: Yes, of course.
Trump: So Pius X was almost not pope, ok? The conclave was about to elect Rampolla as pope. You heard of Rampolla? Nasty guy. Many of my friends who know Church history believe he was a Freemason, ok? Bad guy. He was about to be elected pope by the Cardinals. The Emperor of Austria, who was a great leader in my opinion, vetoed him at the last minute. Then the Cardinals elected Pius X. So sometimes the Holy Ghost works through politics, too, ok? So if I’m campaigning to be Pope and enough cardinals agree with me, maybe politics chooses the pope this time. At this point it can’t get any worse, this I can tell you. If the Cardinals are left alone and they pick Francis then maybe we need some politics. Maybe a lot of politics in my opinion.
Don: Very interesting. Finally, many are criticizing your use of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by the Who as your papal campaign song. What is your response?
Trump: I say lighten up, ok? Look, the song says “get on my knees and pray.” How many popular songs do you know talk about prayer? And also we can’t get fooled again, Don. For six papal elections now we’ve been told things are fine and getting better and they are only getting worse. We can’t get fooled again in the next papal election, Don. We’re not going to have a Church anymore. Too important.