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March 26, 2016

Vatican Announces New Name for Church to go along with New Mass, New Evangelization, New Rosary, New Catechism

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Rumor has it that the buzz pervading through the Vatican corridors concerns the formulation of a “New Name” for the Church! The modern hierarchy has been trying in different ways to reflect the true New Spirit of Vatican II and to celebrate how far the Church has progressed from the rigid old traditionalist past and now, finally, they think they have found a splendid solution.

The modernized and liberated Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in conjunction with the Pastoral Ecumenical Commission for unrestricted pantheism have been working on integrating doctrine with blended theologies and interfaith experiences.

They have, I have been informed, produced a formula for the implementation of advanced hermeneutical continuity and can now move securely from the old Medieval Church into the Enlightened Aggiornamento Springtime without constantly being embarrassed by the selfish isolationist elitism of the past nineteen hundred years of Catholicism simply by removing the word “Catholic”, voila!

Not surprisingly, the use of the term “Catholic” will be phased out and used only when referring to the pre-Vatican II old style Church. It has been determined that the name and word, “Catholic”, offends Protestants, Jews, Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists who were told, in the past, that they needed to convert and become Catholic to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Thanks to the work of Pope Francis and his Vatican II predecessors the world is no longer restricted by this medieval theology.

So what will the New Name for the New Church be? I have been told by a few who shall remain nameless that the New Name will be J… drums rolling-----“New Church”! I am not sure when this fantastic announcement will be officially made but, it could coincide with the closing celebrations of the “Year of Mercy”.

The rigid pro-restoration Traditional Catholics are unhappy with the changes that have taken place since the Second Vatican Council but, they are so very few in number and so very much disliked by the modern world that they will definitely find themselves as “New Church” schismatic outcasts.

The New Official “New Church” with its New Mass, New Evangelization and its New Look in Modern Architecture accepts all who are kind and understanding of cultural and theological differences and, most importantly, respects the environment that sustains us. It rejects only the unsympathetic who insist on living the Traditional Catholic lifestyle selfishly, procreating large families without concern for the rule of “Sustainable Development” and who insist that outside the Catholic Church there is no Salvation.

These few who call themselves the Remnant may be in for hard times because many more changes are on the way and if they remain inflexible they just may find themselves locked up in a UN Gulag. The “New Church” has entered the New Age and regards UN policies and politics the New Source of all our earthly providence. The New Leadership of the “New Church” respects all international New Laws regarding human ecology and “Sustainable Development” and New Social Norms and looks forward to the New One World Order. So, please remember to be “New Church” merciful and not use the word “Catholic” to ensure that we do not offend any of our New Ecumenical Equals.    


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