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February 18, 2016

Converted Trump Now Running for Pope Featured

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TheDonaldTheFirst 617x999 00000002In shocking news first reported a week ago, businessman Donald Trump has converted to Catholicism and has now declared his candidacy for Pope. Today's announcement coincides with critical statements Pope Francis made about Mr. Trump not being a Christian. Mr. Trump just held a rally outside of New York City. Although video is not available, A-CNN has just acquired the audio transcript which we are providing below:

Thank you….thank you. You know, when I first started this campaign, people didn’t believe me. First they said, he’s not converting, he’ll never convert. Then I converted. Then they said, he’ll never get baptized, he won’t want the water to mess up his hair. But then I got baptized. Then they said he won’t get confirmed, and I got confirmed. And then they said he’d never run for pope. Well here I am, and I’m running for Pope; and I’m doing very well I must say.

(Cheers, applause)

I don’t have to do this, when you think about it. I really don’t. I’m rich. I’m really, really, rich. I built a great company; a tremendous company. I employ thousands and thousands of people. So my friends, they ask me, they say Donald, you have everything you can dream of. You’re rich, you have an amazing wife, an amazing family, you’re very successful, why run for Pope? And I say, you know what? I have to run. My Church needs me. The Catholics need me. I have to make the Catholic Church great again. I have to.

(Cheers, applause)

You know, it’s a sad thing to say, but the Church is in such bad shape; terrible shape under Francis. The Catholic Church doesn’t win anymore. We just don’t. When is the last time Catholics won anything? Lepanto? When was that, the 1500’s? We don’t win anymore. But, let me just say, Under a Trump papacy, we are going to win again. We are going to win so much. We are going to win so much you are all going to be sick of winning, ok? But right now, it’s terrible. Just the other day, I see the Pope is praising Martin Luther. Martin Luther! Can you believe it?

(Boos)

Our Pope is over there praising Martin Luther; meanwhile millions of Hispanics are converting to Protestantism in Latin America. It’s true. We are losing millions and millions of people to the Protestants and our Pope does nothing. He does nothing. And I have nothing against the Protestants. Many of them are good people. I employ thousands of Protestants. I used to be a Protestant. But their leaders are just too smart for our leaders. We have people in power in the Church today who have no idea what they are doing. They are incompetent. All our leaders do is “dialogue.” We don’t convert anymore, we “dialogue.” What the hell is dialogue? Excuse me, but shouldn’t we be converting these people? If we have the Truth, why aren’t we converting them? But we don’t convert, we “dialogue”, and we lose millions and millions of these people to Protestantism. They are saying if the head of the Catholic Church thinks it’s ok to be Protestant, why convert? Why do we need to convert? Let him convert. Let the Pope convert. That’s what they’re saying. They’re laughing at us. There is no respect there. No respect. When I’m Pope, they are going to respect us again, let me tell you.

(Cheers, applause)

Another thing I hear a lot about is 2 Vatican. Have you heard of 2 Vatican?

(Crowd yells “Vatican II!”)

Vatican II? Is it Vatican II? Vatican II, 2 Vatican, who the hell cares. It stinks right? No matter what you call it, it stinks.

(Cheers, applause)

I was just looking at the numbers the other day, folks. Before Vatican II – tens of thousands of vocations to the priesthood and religious life in this country, thousands of baptisms, first communions, confirmations. Thousands and thousands of converts. Catholic universities all over the place, and I mean real Catholic universities, not the universities today that call themselves Catholic. Tens of thousands of Catholic schools with all kinds of nuns. There were so many priests the parishes were overflowing, ok? You couldn’t walk down your street without bumping into a priest, that’s how many of them there were. The Faith was exploding, it was really amazing, it was unbelievable. And then…. You have Vatican II.

(Boos)

Then you have Vatican II and they change everything. They change everything! You have the best Church in centuries, a flourishing Church, a vibrant Church, a converting Church, and they change everything. Now how stupid is this? How stupid?

(Boos)

You know people try to criticize me and they say I speak too plain and too simple. Look, I have a great education, I finished top of my class at the Wharton School of Finance, the top school in the country. I have a huge vocabulary. It’s huge. It really is. But when I see something like this, there really is no other word for it. I have to call it stupid. Because it is. It’s stupid. There’s no other word for it.

(Cheers, applause)

trump

So they’re succeeding. The Church is succeeding, and they change everything. So then they say in Vatican II that the priests aren’t really the priests. I mean, we’re all priests, right? Isn’t that what Martin Luther said? We’re all priests? The Pope’s buddy, Martin Luther?

(Boos)

Then they try to say, oh but there’s a difference. The priests in the collars, if they even wear collars anymore. I saw a priest the other day; he was in a turtleneck and a cardigan. He looked like Mr. Rogers. Who the hell wants a priest that looks like Mr. Rogers? Who wants that? I don’t know. Anyway…so the priests in the collars can say the Mass and they can hear the confessions, but in every other way, we’re all priests. Men, women, kids, maybe even Muslims. I don’t know, can Muslims be priests under Vatican II? I have no idea. I wouldn’t be surprised folks, I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s crazy.

(Boos)

So then they say we’re all priests and what happens to the priesthood? Plummets. Numbers go through the floor. Why be a priest if everyone can be a priest? Makes no sense. So now, if you’re a priest you can do what? Consecrate and absolve, right? Consecrate and absolve. So what do they do? Now they have “Communion Services.” They call them “Communion Services” ever heard of that?

(Boos)

The priest consecrates a bunch of hosts and then a layperson, usually a woman up at the altar in a pantsuit. Probably Hillary. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Hillary.

(Laughter)

You ever notice today that all the nuns dress like Hillary? When did that happen? When did nuns start dressing like Hillary? It’s scary. It’s really scary. Anyway, you have some layperson up there and they read the Gospel and say some words and do this and that and then they hand out the Communion that the priest already consecrated. The priest isn’t even there, he just consecrated the hosts. So in other words, he’s disposable. But then they’ll say, but he can hear confessions. He can hear confessions, but who goes to confession? Who goes to confession nowadays? When the Pope says “Who Am I to Judge” who goes to confession?

(Boos)

It’s all about mercy now. The year of mercy. God has forgiven you. So nobody goes to confession. And it makes sense, quite frankly. If I’m already forgiven, why do I need to go to confession, right? So then the priest numbers drop through the floor. No vocations. We had tens of thousands of vocations before Vatican II and now no vocations. And then they say, well we have no vocations, so we need to allow married priests and women priests, and maybe even Protestant priests. Have you ever heard of Protestant priests? Why not? We want to be inclusive, right? Don’t we want to be inclusive? Ridiculous, it’s just ridiculous.

(Boos)

That is why when I’m Pope we are going to make the priesthood great again.

(Cheers, applause)

We are going to make the priesthood so exclusive. I tell you. So exclusive and so special, you have no idea. We are going to have the best priests, the brightest priests. They will be lining up to enter the seminaries. And the seminaries will be the best seminaries, let me just tell you. No more dopey professors. The seminaries are a mess today, they’re a disgrace. You might as well have Bernie Sanders running our seminaries that’s how bad they are. They’re filled with dopey professors from the 60’s. Their brains are burnt from whatever they smoked. Who knows what they smoked back then, God only knows what they smoked. But they’ll be gone, I promise you, they’ll be gone.

(Cheers, applause)

They will be gone and the priesthood will be great once again. I will make the priesthood so exclusive. And you know how I’m going to do this? By building a rail. By building a great big beautiful altar rail in every single Catholic Church, that’s how.

(Cheers, applause)

A big beautiful altar rail separating laypeople like you and me from the priests. Of course, I’ll be on the other side of the rail, because I’ll be Pope, but you understand.

(Laughter)

We have to build a rail because we cannot let anyone and everyone into the priesthood and we can’t diminish the priesthood. We want the best and brightest priests and to do that we need to make the priesthood great again. The priesthood isn’t great today. Our priests aren’t respected today. They are laughing stocks. I saw one the other day he was actually riding something during Mass. I had to ask my friend, I said what is he riding? He said, a hover board. I said what the hell is a hover board? Under a Trump Papacy, you ride a hover board during Mass you can keep riding it right out the door because that’s the last time you’re going to be allowed in.

(Cheers, applause)

So I’m going to build a rail. A big beautiful altar rail separating the priests, the true priests, the real priests, the priests with the cassocks and the collars and the vestments, from the laity. Because it’s not the same, folks. It’s not the same. Priests are priests and lay people are lay people. No more confusion. No confusion. The priests are the ones sacrificing to God on our behalf; we merely assist the priest as he offers the sacrifice.

(Applause)

That’s right. You know where I read that? Do you want to know where I read that? It’s a book called Trent. I’m a big believer in Trent.

(Wild cheers, applause)

I’m a huge believer in Trent. Trent is fantastic. You know, I wrote a best-seller. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it, it’s called The Art of the Deal, have you heard of it?

(Cheers, applause)

You’ve heard of it. Ok. I wrote the Art of the Deal and it was one of the best selling business books of all time. I used to say THE best selling business book of all time, but now I say ONE of the best selling business books of all time, because if I’m off by one or two books the media starts busting my chops. So who the hell knows, but it was one of the best selling business books of all time. I have copies in the back, by the way, if you want to buy a copy. Anyway, the Art of the Deal is my second favorite book of all time, but Trent? Trent is my favorite. Trent is number one. I’m a big believer in Trent, ok?

(Cheers, applause)

So anyway, as a convert, I go to my first Mass last Sunday. And I’m sitting there. And it’s in New York by the way, which is Cardinal Dolan’s diocese.

(Boos)

And I’m killing him in the polls by the way. Have you seen the latest poll numbers? The latest poll out of New York has Trump 35%, Dolan 5%. It’s true…it’s true.

(Cheers, applause)

Absolutely killing the Cardinal in the polls. But he doesn’t like to be called Cardinal Dolan, right? He’s running as “Tim!” First he was running as just “Tim,” then he changed his campaign slogan and added an exclamation point after his name so now it’s “Tim!” Why not run as Cardinal Dolan? If you’re a Cardinal, why not be proud of that fact and run as a Cardinal? Although, to be honest with you, with the kind of record he has as Cardinal maybe he’s better off as “Tim! “ Who knows? He might be right to run as “Tim!”.

(Laughter)

Dolan

“Tim!” is a big supporter of the USCCB by the way. A huge supporter of the USCCB. He wants the USCCB telling you and your kids what to do in each of your dioceses ok? I’m totally against the USCCB and when I’m Pope I’m going to disband it. It’s terrible.

(Applause)

The numbers keep going down and the USCCB keeps getting money and wasting time and, it’s over folks. It will be over, that I can assure you. Anyway…. So I was sitting there at my first Mass in his diocese and I don’t know what to expect because I’ve never been to Mass before, and we all stand up and they start singing this song, ok. And I’m like, what is this song? It’s like…really bad. I mean really bad. And this lady, she looks like Nancy Pelosi, is back there behind the podium with her hand up leading the song and it’s just terrible. And I must tell you. By the way, I must tell you that this will not happen under a Trump papacy.

(Cheers, applause)

Simply will not happen, I promise you. I know musicians. I know great, great musicians. Wonderful musicians. They’re friends of mine. And they ask me, they say, Donald, what is the deal with the songs at Mass, they are so bad. And these friends are professionals. They went to Julliard, ok. The best musicians and they want to help the liturgical music in New York. They are dying to help the liturgical music in New York, but they say, “Donald we can’t” because “Tim!” won’t let us. That’s going to change under a Trump papacy. We’re going to have the best music, I promise you.

(Applause)

So they play this terrible song and the priest walks up and he’s talking about greeting your neighbor and then they say the words and then we say the words, and then everybody says the words, and then the lady butchers the psalms over the guitars and then we say the psalms, and I’m sitting there and I’m like…when do people pray at this Mass? Am I right?

(Cheers, applause)

When do people pray? Is it the few seconds in between when we’re talking? Is it during the bad music? When is it? It’s all talk, talk, talk. The Mass today is like a bunch of politicians. All everyone does is talk. All talk, no action.

(Someone in crowd: All talk, no praying!)

Who said that? This lady here? You’re absolutely right. All talk, no praying. You’re right. At one point I just wanted them all to shut up, because, look. I have nothing against talking ok; I can talk for hours unscripted. I don’t use a teleprompter, I don’t use notes. Someone said to me the other day, but Mr. Trump, the Pope doesn’t use a teleprompter either. And I said, well he actually should use a teleprompter, ok. He should use a teleprompter because when you go off script and you start saying Jesus apologized to people, which many people said was a blasphemy by the way, but when you’re the Pope and you go around saying Jesus apologized…Look, I don’t need to apologize for anything, ok. And if I don’t need to apologize for anything, you think Jesus is going to need to apologize for something? I don’t think so. I don’t think so, and so yes, the Pope needs a teleprompter. Maybe he can borrow Obama’s after he’s fired next year.

(Cheers, applause)

So anyway, I’m sitting there and the talking keeps going on and on and the bad music, etc. Then half way through I’m supposed to shake hands with people. I’m supposed to shake hands with people and I’m like…I’ve just been sitting here for a half hour and didn’t say a word to these people. Actually I couldn’t have said anything to them because of all of the music and the talking, and now after half an hour I’m supposed to introduce myself? After ignoring them for a half an hour? How stupid is this? I’m sorry, but how stupid is this?

(Cheers, applause)

And why am I shaking people’s hands when Jesus is supposed to be on the altar? Isn’t that what Catholics believe? That Jesus is on the altar? That’s what Trent says, right? And yet, we have all these people, all these Catholics, and they’re sitting there and saying hi, and waving, and shaking hands, and who is paying attention to Jesus? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. I just converted last week, what the hell do I know? But I found that strange. It just shows lack of reverence, doesn’t it? Lack of reverence.

(Cheers, applause)

We don’t have any reverence any more in the Catholic Church. No reverence anymore. I’m a big believer in reverence. You have to have reverence. Because without reverence it all becomes a joke. And the Mass is not a joke, is it? And, I must tell you, that under a Trump papacy we will have so much reverence in the Mass again, you will not believe it. You simply will not believe the reverence.

(Cheers, applause)

And then the Communion comes and the bad music starts. It’s like I’m at a bad Woodstock concert, it really is. The guitars start, the guy with the ponytail starts singing. And I see people going up to receive God, ok. I just converted, but I read this in Trent ok, it says we believe Communion is God. It says it right here, I have it highlighted, ok. And the people are receiving God in their hand, crumbs are falling, they're standing there putting it up to their mouth like a potato chip. They’re dressed like they just came from the mall. And I see this, and I’m like, what are we doing, folks? What are we doing? Are we Catholics or are we Protestants? I know some Protestants who wouldn’t receive Communion the way we receive Communion or dress the way I see some people dressing. No respect, folks. No respect, no reverence. Look, I have a meeting with a CEO and we want to do a deal he comes dressed in a suit. It’s respect. If he shows up in shorts and flip flops I tell him get the hell out of my office, ok. Because it’s a joke. He shows no respect and he’s not taking it seriously. He’s gone. Bye bye. And under a Trump papacy that’s where these people will be. You don’t respect the boss? Bye bye.

(Cheers, applause)

So anyway, that was my first experience at Mass, folks, and I almost left to tell you the truth. This Mass was so bad, I almost left, but then someone told me that this was the “New Mass.” Apparently there was an “Old Mass” and now there is a “New Mass” it’s called the Novus Ordo have you heard of it?

(Boos)

That is apparently what I attended, but I had no idea, I thought it was just the Mass. That it had always been the Mass. But no, this form of the Mass was apparently made up in 1969 by a Pope Paul VI. Sort of like by executive order, if you want to know the truth. He put it in like Obama, even though he had no consensus for it, he puts it in anyway and there you go. Well, I have to tell you folks, under a Trump papacy we are going to repeal and replace the Novus Ordo.

(Wild cheers, applause)

Repeal and replace the Novus Ordo. We have no choice folks, we have no choice. We really don’t. The Novus Ordo is going to collapse on its own anyway. Mass attendance keeps plummeting. We have to do something. The Novus Ordo will be repealed and it will be replaced with something much better and magnificent. More and reverent and beautiful. Don’t you want something reverent and beautiful for our Mass?

(Cheers)

I found this book the other day. It’s a 1962 Missal. I read it, it’s fantastic. Maybe we go back to the 1962 Missal? Is that ok?

(Cheers, applause)

Maybe we go back to Latin. I’m a big fan of the Latin. When we used Latin we were number one. We went to English and now the Muslims outnumber us. They kept Arabic they go to number one, we ditch Latin, we go to number two. I’m just saying. Are there any Trads in the audience? Where are my Trads? Are there any Trads here?

(Cheers, applause)

I have to say that I love the Trads. Under this pope, the Trads get treated like second class citizens. He calls them, what’s the word? “Neo-Pelagians.” “Neo-Pelagians,” you believe that? By the way, why is the Pope always calling us names? He’s always calling us names. He never calls the Muslims names, the Protestants names. But he calls us names. He’s really not a very nice guy in my opinion, ok? He’s actually sort of a nasty guy. Isn’t calling a whole group of Catholics Neo-Pelagians, kind of nasty? And, by the way, did you see the papers today? Today he said I'm not a Christian because I want to build a wall to protect our country's border? Can you believe it, folks? Just unbelievable.

(Boos)

I think we should also maybe build a wall around the Vatican so the pope can't get on an airplane again, let me tell you. Too many interviews on the airplane. Way too many interviews.

(Cheers, applause)

And isn't this the pope who's always talking about the greenhouse gases and the carbon footprint and harming the earth? But yet he keeps flying all over the world on these big 747's belching all kinds of pollutants all over the place. Why? To give interviews? Do you want your pope flying around giving interviews or making the Church great again? I'd be at the Vatican every day making us win again, let me tell you.

(Cheers, applause)

Francis Trump

But we have to take care of our Trads, folks. Under a Trump papacy, the Trads will be taken care of, that I can assure you. I know how to build. I build things for a living.  We are going to have a big beautiful altar rail in every Church. A big beautiful rail in the most magnificent, beautiful churches you’ve ever seen. The best incense, the best music, the best everything. And all kinds of Latin Masses. We’re going to have so many Latin Masses. It’s going to be huge! No more Latin Masses at 6am on Saturday morning. We’re going to have Latin Masses at every parish and top quality Latin Masses. We have to take care of our Trads, folks. We have to. We have to and we will.

And another thing we need is we need The Holy Office again. Whatever happened to the Holy Office? They went and they got rid of the Holy Office and now they have what? They have nothing is what they have in all honesty, but what do they call it now?

(Man in crowd: CDF!)

Thank you. That’s what they call it now, the CDF. And what does it do? Who knows what it does. Didn’t Pope Francis tell a religious order he visited not to even worry about the CDF? So what the hell good is it really? Does it even discipline anybody anymore?

(Man in crowd: Trads!)

Ha. Yes, you’re right. Only the Trads. But no they don’t discipline anyone anymore. Look, I’m all about discipline. I love the discipline. I’m the most disciplinarian candidate by far. But we need a strong Holy Office again. We need to build up the Holy Office so big and so strong that nobody would ever think about messing with it, ok? I know some theologians. They are like the best theologians. They went to the best schools, they got the best grades. And they are really tough cookies, ok. They are killers. They know their heresies. And they come to me and they say, Mr. Trump, the modernists are everywhere. They’re coming into the Church, they’re already in the Church, they’re in the schools, they’re in the seminaries, they’re in the parishes, they’re in the curia. And I ask them, why don’t you get rid of them? And they are sad and they are frustrated, and they say, Mr. Trump the Pope won’t let us do it. We know who they are, we know what they said, they’re heretics, but he won’t let us do it. It’s incredible. It’s incredible. Once I’m elected pope, this is all going to change.

(Cheers, applause)

It’s all going to change. I’m going to build a Holy Office so big, so mean, and so strong no modernist would even think of uttering a heresy. And if they did then God help them. They would be out of here so fast. That I can promise you. So we need to bring back the Holy Office and make it strong again. Make it respected again. No more CDF. CDF is out. No more CDF.

(Cheers, applause)

So, as I said before Vatican II was a disaster. It was just a disaster. We were winning; they changed everything, now we’re losing. So I turn on the TV the other day and I’m watching EWTN. I’m watching Raymond Arroyo, and he’s got this guy on there. This pundit, this author, and he’s bashing me, he just can’t stand me. What’s his name? George Weigel. You ever heard of George Weigel? I hadn’t. What a dope. This guy is so overrated. He wears glasses so he looks smart. But he’s always wrong. You think, if you’ve been a pundit for twenty years you’d get something right once in a while, but he gets everything wrong. He says Trump is wrong on Trent, Trump is wrong on Vatican II, Trump is wrong on the Mass. But how can I be wrong? Vatican II was like…a colossal failure. By every statistical measure it’s been a failure. But what does George know? George hasn’t done anything. George gets funded by the Catholic establishment, writes 500-page unreadable biographies, takes a nap, and then does an interview. I’ve built a company worth billions of dollars. A great company. An amazing company. I’ve employed tens of thousands of people. I know how to lead organizations. I know how to win. I make great deals. George hasn’t run anything in his life except his mouth. Total loser. The Catholic media is so dishonest. I tell you.

(Cheers, applause)

The Catholic media is so dishonest. Just the other day “Tim!” holds a rally, gets maybe 50 people, it’s all over EWTN. There’s like 50 old people there in a bingo hall, and it’s all over Catholic World Report, Catholic News Service, The Register, it’s all over. All the pundits are talking about Tim’s rally. I hold a rally, there’s 10,000 people and 5,000 more who couldn’t get in and Raymond Arroyo on EWTN says “Trump held a rally today and some people showed up.” That’s it. So dishonest.

(Cheers, applause)

So what about the modernists? I get asked about the modernists. I hear it all the time. People come up to me and they say, Mr. Trump what are you going to do about the modernists? The modernists have taken over my parish. The modernists have taken over my school. I hear it all the time. Just the other day, this poor mother came up to me and said, Mr. Trump, I don’t know what to do. I took my kids to Mass the other day and the priest said that Jesus didn’t know who He was. Can you believe this? Jesus didn’t know who he was. I’m serious, he said that folks. A priest, in a Catholic Church. Can you believe this? In another parish this man comes up to me and says they’re playing bongos at his Mass. Bongos, ok? Bongos. So, I have to tell you that the modernists are over there. They are ruining Masses, committing sacrileges, blasphemies, heresies, etc. I will knock the hell out of the Modernists, let me just tell you.

(Cheers, applause)

I will hit the modernists so hard. I’ve always said with the modernists, you behead the modernists. You knock out their leaders. You excommunicate the leaders. And you take their writings and you put them on the Index. People asked me the other day, would I bring back the index. I’d not only bring back the index but I’d bring back a lot worse than the index. These are not nice people, ok? They are murdering souls. Everybody’s souls, quite frankly. They need to know we mean business. I would absolutely knock the hell out of the modernists, ok?

(Cheers, applause)

Finally folks, let me just end by saying this. Our Church doesn’t win anymore. We used to win. We don’t win anymore. We lose on dialogue, we lose to the modernists, we lose to the Protestants. When I win, when I become Pope, we are going to take our Church back. We’re going to make our Church great again. We’re going to make our Church reverent again. We’re going to kick the *&^% out of the modernists quickly. So quickly. We’re going to win so much. We’re going to win with conversions, we’re going to win with vocations, we’re going to win with the Mass. We’re going to repeal the Novus Ordo and we’re going to replace it with something so much better. We’re going to win at the altar. We’re going to seal up the sanctuary with a nice big beautiful rail. We’re going to win so much. Win after win after win. We’re going to win so much that you’re going to be begging me, please Holy Father let us lose once or twice, we can’t stand it anymore. And I’m going to say no way! We’re going to keep winning! We’re never going to lose! We’re never ever going to lose! Register and vote! I love you all! Thank you!  

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