(Vatican City) Pope Francis released new liturgical regulations today in a Motu Proprio entitled Jubeo omnibus (taken from its first two words in Latin which mean “I command for all”). The purpose of the Motu Proprio is to conform liturgical norms of the Church to Environmental concerns. Among the 666 pages of new regulations a few highlights include:
- The prohibition of burning incense and lighting any candles in Church “since they produce carbon dioxide and contribute to global warming;”
The abolition of Sacramentaries (formerly called altar missals), lectionaries and missalettes and the command that they be recycled by the first Sunday of Lent 2016. The document explains since the reformed and improved ordo of Mass produced by The Council allows and encourages adaptation and personalization of the words of the liturgy it is a complete waste of paper and an offence to “brother tree” to produce and maintain these books. These unnecessary amounts of paper will be put to better use;
Grape juice will be substituted for wine in Catholic services since the fermentation of wine produces marginal levels of carbon dioxide through fermentation and also involves the destruction of yeast which the Pope urges the United Nations to designate an endangered species (the pope takes no position on the pressing issue of whether yeast are plants or animals);
Liturgical vestments are reduced to the single color of white. The need to stock churches with these other colors is an unnecessary depletion of vital resources such as polyester which can be put to better use such as producing pant suits for nuns; and
In order to encourage responsible parenting in light of the explosion of the world’s population, parents shall be restricted to one infant baptism every seven years. The document claims “by preserving human freedom and choice, this limitation merely presents an encouragement for parents to freely choose to space the births of children appropriately in light of the world’s overpopulation.” (The limitation applies only to first marriages and therefore the divorced and remarried have their seven year clocks reset with the birth of their first child.)
The Motu Proprio establishes a new department of the Roman Curia, the Dictatorship of Environmental Liturgy. Newly selected Cardinal Rainbow Infidelité of the diocese of Vichy France has been appointed Supreme Dictator of this new office. Before being elevated to Cardinal, he had been the president of the Green Party in France and thus he has the expertise to serve the People of God in this special way.
In a press conference celebrating this historic moment for the Church in which, according to the Cardinal, “the Church has finally cast of 2,000 years of environmental insensitivity,” the Cardinal answered questions about the Papal document. He explained that his Dictatorship is charged with issuing directives interpreting the new regulations.
For example, he said his first act would be to issue a decree clarifying that the suppression of candles includes not only those lit with a flame but also electric candles since “they too contribute to global warming due to their dependence on electricity generated from fossil fuels.”
He noted, “to fail to include electric candles would deprive this law of any force outside of those ecclesial communities stubbornly attached to the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite since real candles have in practice disappeared from use decades ago outside these bizarre enclaves of nostalgia.”
In his concluding statement of six and half hours Cardinal Rainbow (as he prefers to be called) celebrated the papal document, which was “pieced together without interference from any Vatican official or office, as a great triumph of democracy within the Church that brings to an end the dark era of legalism in the Church.
These refreshingly enlightened new standards provide a roadmap for future progress in ecumenical dialogue with the world’s great religions as they can serve as a basis to discuss the future of all religions embracing global environmentalism.
Bound hard copies of Jubeo omnibus were being loaded on papal planes to be dropped in populated areas across six continents so that the good news may become known by all.