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October 6, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: Francis to Retire, wishes to be Present at His Own Canonization Ceremony

Written by  M.T. Church
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In a very brief press conference conducted by a visibly shaken Father Fedrico Lombardi, the following announcements were made to a startled audience consisting of countless reporters from around the world.

Father Lombardi, apparently too flustered to give an in-depth report, merely listed the essence of this bombshell announcement without going into further details:

1.  Pope Francis has stated that he has fulfilled the goal of his papacy.  The Synod on the Family is the final nail in the coffin of the Holy Roman Catholic Church.  While Vatican II left rubble, the Synod will bury the rubble so deep, no one will even remember there was a Church before Vatican II.  Since the outcome of the Synod was pre-determined, there is no reason to wait for a final report.

2.  Now that the mission of his papacy has been fulfilled, he sees no reason why he could not resign and go back to his beloved Argentina where he has left behind his wonderful friends of all faiths---or no faith at all.

3.  It has already been decided by Newchurch underground that his successor will be Cardinal Kasper of Germany, who (it is presumed) will take the name Bishop of Rome Francis II.

4.  It is a foregone conclusion that he will be canonized because all post-Vatican II popes will be canonized if they followed the rules of destruction.  Pope Francis has made arrangements with Bishop of Rome Francis II that this canonization will take place shortly after his "election" while the out-going Pontiff is still alive.

5.  Pope Francis has stated that he wishes to be present at his own canonization because he is not absolutely sure of an "afterlife", so he might as well enjoy the good times now, especially the big, elaborate party to follow which will feature rock stars, pop stars, celebs of all types, political leaders from around the world, culminating is a fantastic "never seen before" fireworks show, featuring rainbow color displays that will dazzle the eyes!!

Father Lombardi, who is totally devoted to Pope Francis, had to be assisted from the podium with tears in his eyes, assuring the stunned audience that there will be more details to follow.

Read 1981 times Last modified on October 6, 2015