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September 1, 2015

VATICAN SEEKING NEW PRESIDENT FOR PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR DAMNUN IMPERIUM

Written by  M.T. CHURCH
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Sister Gaylee Van Dyke Sister Gaylee Van Dyke

Shortly after the election of the current Bishop of Rome, it became alarmingly apparent that a new Pontifical Council had to be instituted--The Pontifical Council for Damnum Imperium (Damage Control). Never before in the history of the Holy Roman Catholic Church has such a drastic measure been necessary. However, due to the Bishop of Rome's "off the cuff", spontaneous, “speak freely" style, the Roman Curia deemed it absolutely urgent to create a council whose sole mission is to re-interpret, sugar coat, disguise, explain away, minimize, and cover up in any way possible the confusing, misleading, baffling, disordered, perplexing, bewildering, destructive words, actions, gestures and every sort of behavior from the Supreme Pontiff.

The Vatican has issued an urgent appeal world-wide to replace the outgoing President, Archbishop I.M. Weary, who has unfortunately been hospitalized suffering from a severe nervous condition which left him in a sorry state, always repeating the words: "He said WHAT???!!!". Since its inception, the Pontifical Council for Damnun Imperium has had a string of Presidents in just a few years. The Vatican is happy to report that only three of them are on suicide watch.

The person the Vatican is seeking (any religion, any of the numerous genders) must have the stamina of a thoroughbred race horse, the "gabby fast-talking" ability of an auctioneer and the nerves of steel of a brain surgeon. It should be taken into serious consideration that this is a 24/7 job with a very small staff due to the high intensity stress and quick thinking responses required to salvage what is left of the Catholic Church.

It should be noted that in the interim (there is no way to muzzle the Bishop of Rome—no disrespect intended), a representative from the Vatican approached Sister Gaylee Van Dyke of the LCWR to request her assistance in this matter. It was difficult to find her in her roving bus. She was travelling from Beverly Hills, California to Aspen, Colorado in an unsuccessful attempt to find "poor people". When the mission of the council was thoroughly explained to her, a bewildered Sister Gaylee, handsomely dressed in a pea green pantsuit, accessorized with a rainbow colored Peace Sign, she responded: "Has our dear Bishop of Rome said or done anything wrong?"

Anyone interested in this position, please contact the Vatican immediately. The Bishop of Rome is going to America soon. Heaven help us all!

 

Read 867 times Last modified on September 2, 2015