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September 1, 2015

Vatican to Offer Sacraments to Animals in Field Hospital Church

Written by  John Fisher
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Continuing his ongoing series of addresses on the Family in St. Peter's Square today, Pope Francis announced that the Square will soon be dug up, seeded with agricultural grass, and stocked with animals that will be allowed to roam freely while receiving the Sacraments from Catholic priests:

“I received this idea from the Spirit who renews and changes all things,” said the Bishop of Rome, “In this way we can make Saint Peter’s Square an animal field hospital. For animals are always on the periphery, always judged, always forgotten, always exploited. Animals, which, as I stated in Laudato si, Mankind has the privilege of leading to God. This privilege, like taking care of Mother Earth, is also a right and an obligation.”

Once again putting emphasis on his concept of the Church as a field hospital within the context of his somewhat novel take on Salvation History, the Holy Father continued, “Through the merciful movement and leadership of God in time, all animals go to Heaven, even flawed Mankind and Jesus’s mother, Mary. Within this context, the Catholic Church uses the sacraments as assistance on this journey.” Lifting his head from his prepared script, the Holy Father ad libbed jokingly, “You, know, like Gatorade, something to give us energy when we run.’

‘Traditionally the Church has excluded animals from the sacraments, but you all know how I feel about tradition! If you have been living in a cave, just read Lumen Fidei or any of my sermons!” Again, he lifted his eyes from his paper and smiled broadly, an impish smile:

“When a little girl asked me about her dead dog, I said it would go to Heaven, and when I was recently asked to bless two donkeys, I also said they would go to Heaven. Yes, in my theology asses go to Heaven. Half asses--mules, hinnys, zeedonks, and zonys--and total full-fledged asses—asses on the ground, asses in water, and even asses in holes--all go to Heaven. And, why wouldn’t asses go to Heaven! Aren’t they entitled to God’s mercy! Otherwise it would be discrimination. And since animals go to Heaven they, too, need energy, the energy of the sacraments, just like the rest of us. Jesus died for animals, too!”

Pope Francis then went on to explain that just like he is lowering standards for humans by redefining “family” and accepting unrepentant adultery, or Extra-Marital Adventure, as it will now be called, he is applying the same standards to animals, so all those who journey towards the Omega point will be equal.

“So, I have ordered that Saint Peter’s Square be dug up and turned into an animal Field Hospital church, where animals can roam wildly, just like the state we are implementing in the regular Church. All animals are welcome, and in whatever ways they choose to show up. Bulls can take as many cows as they want, same for rams, etc.”

The Pope then continued, lifted his hands and pointed, “A permanent cadre of my Missionaries of Mercy will tend to the animals and their spiritual needs. Over there we will have a pool for all sorts of fish, and we will be crumbling the Host in there, the fish they like da breadcrumbs. The cows and sheep can have Confession when they are in a dipping pen or sheered twice yearly, once around Easter. There is no need that they use words, no need that they say anything or that they express remorse and a firm intention not to sin again. They will just get absolution. To build on what I said earlier, in my theology even unrepentant total full-fledged asses in holes will go to Heaven.”

Given the monogamous nature of marriage, and all of the trouble this issue is causing for their human counterparts these days, he continued: “We will not offer marriage to the animals. The concept of marriage that Jesus gave us, as an ideal, was an interesting concept, but it seems unworkable in the real world. I think,” he said teasingly, “I think that maybe after this upcoming synod that whole issue will be put to rest and we will have true unity with the animals. As I have often said, Jesus wished for unity and prayed:

‘that all of them may be one. Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.’

‘So, Jesus does want unity for us all. It is unquestionable.”

The Pope concluded by saying that, “If my expansion of mercy to animals causes anyone scandal, then that person clearly does not understand the Bible and s/he will go straight to Hell. There’s just no question about that, a big burning pit of brimstone awaits them. After all, in another section of the Bible, Jesus gave unto Peter and his successors the duty to tend to his ‘sheep,’ and his ‘flock,’ and that is precisely what I am doing: I am giving unity and tending to the animals, and I am not going to let anyone from any religion with crazy old religious beliefs get in my way.”

The Holy Father then gestured that a statute of the Blessed Virgin be brought over so that he could rub it to show that, despite everything, he believes what “regular Catholics” believe, and he even went so far as to invoke the Virgin’s name in a closing prayer. In the spirit of ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue, his closing Christian prayer was then followed by a prayer that people who don’t believe in Christ, God or anything else could pray. Finally, he brayed, quacked, crowed, mooed, buzzed and barked in very religious and respectful tones.

 

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