In response to the many comments and suggestions following the Holy Father’s visit to Manila the following changes have been made: As to the requirements and logistics of modern out-of-doors and in some cases indoors large liturgical gatherings but, not to the exclusion of intimate liturgical gatherings; the practical and expedient distribution of the Eucharist can and will be revised to include self-service at the supper table of the Lord. Since passing bread hosts from one hand to another can at times be difficult, unsanitary and time consuming the addition of the liturgical self-service Eucharistic Buffet Table or even multiple self-service Eucharist Buffet Tables will supplement or replace the superfluous Extraordinary Eucharistic Ministers. The Eucharistic Minister program will however, be augmented and modified to include training for the additional security duties now required for crowd control. The training will be supplied by the Vatican Karate Team and qualifying Extraordinary Ministers will be introduced as Extra-Extraordinary Mob Monitors when necessary and useful.
Other progressive suggestions such as adding additional food items to the wine and bread menu were discussed and notated by Cardinal Izzy Alunatick, the Prefect for the Congregation of the People’s Self-Service Buffet Liturgies. Cardinal Izzy is considering a trial experiment with a supplement of cheese slices for those who are gluten intolerant. In the ongoing effort established by Pope Francis to meet the people at their sheep-smelling comfort zone without intimating protocols, dress codes or restrictive dietary disciplines the Congregation of the People’s Self-Serving Buffet Liturgies is eliminating all abstinence and fasting requirements which might harm or otherwise damage the image or integrity of the community’s self-esteem.
The Holy Father’s priorities concerning biodegradable ecology-safe recyclables has also been researched and the People’s Buffet Self-Serving Liturgical Eucharist Tables will therefore be constructed of only the finest recycled eco-friendly materials. There is also the eco-alarming concern for Climate Change Carbon Emissions which can potentially generate from large gatherings of humans with their use of internal combustion vehicles and BBQ’s. These and other earth-friendly questions including those of global self-sustaining family planning and rabbit-control via NFP will be discussed and resolved at the Extraordinary Green Synod on the Ecology scheduled to coincide with the Vatican’s celebration of the Holy Mother Earth Feast Day. We have been told that expert dieticians and product researchers from Mc Donald’s fast food industries have volunteered to help with the details of the Synodal project.
Some resistance is expected from the more rigid traditionalists but that problem has been greatly reduced with the successful Bergoglian Vatican program to depose and eliminate all the neo-pelagian and promethean conservative Bishops and Cardinals. Also, no further tolerance is to be given to the words: sacrifice, penitential, sin or Hell; they have been eliminated in the revised liturgies. Hereafter, whenever possible, the words mercy, love and fun will be inserted without any restrictions in all liturgical genre. As an added attraction for the youth, cell phone and Wi Fi service will be available throughout the entire Novus Ordo Mass and provisions for Youth Ministry Liturgical Dance contests will be introduced. As always the pontificate wishes each and all a nice day. Just remember: we do not judge.