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January 11, 2015

Vatican Update: The Six New Precepts of the Church

Written by  M.T. Church
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Cardinal Ima Hairatik Cardinal Ima Hairatik

A-CNN Report—In the continuing Spirit of Vatican II, Ima Cardinal Hairatik, a reliable Vatican spokesperson, has issued a statement declaring the “New Options” of the “catholic” church, formerly known in more rigid times as The Precepts of the Church. These former Commands of the Church were given for the spiritual good of the faithful and were obliging under the pain of sin. Henceforth, the R.C. (Rigid Commands) of the now-defunct pre-conciliar Catholic Church are to be replaced with the N.O. (New Options) of the post-conciliar “catholic” church which are more in conformity with the “live and let live” attitude of the “Civilization of Love”.

#1- ( R.C.) – To assist at Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation

N.O.--- Community gatherings (formerly known as the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass) may be attended on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Saturday afternoons or Saturday evenings, whichever is most convenient if so inclined. The new “catholic” church apologizes for the “rigidity” of these time frames. However, there are only 48 hours in any given weekend.

Holy Days of Obligation are now referred to as Happy Days of Option depending on the whim of the Bishop in any diocese. Community gatherings are discouraged on Mondays since it doesn’t make sense to get to the church two days in a row.

#2- (R.C.)—To fast and abstain on all days appointed

N.O.—As previously reported, fasting is not required for receiving blessed bread and wine. Abstaining from meat on Fridays during Lent may be observed according to the directives of the diocesan bishop or as an option for catholics who are nostalgic for the old rules or simply for those who like fish.

#3—(R.C.) To receive Holy Communion during the Easter Season

N.O.---Blessed bread and wine are offered at every community gathering for all who wish to partake. Therefore, it is not necessary to designate a particular time to receive this symbolic remembrance.

#4—(R.C.)—To receive the Sacrament of Penance at least once a year.

N.O.—Since the post-conciliar church does not wish to dwell on unpleasant topics such as “sin” and “hell” and “penance”, it is not necessary to impose strict guidelines regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. However, the parish priest should be available at least 15 minutes per week (time-permitting) or “by appointment” for the super-scrupulous.

#5—(R.C.)—To contribute to the support of the parish.

N.O.—This is a good command, no changes necessary. However, in the spirit of humility and poverty, those who can document that they are truly poor may be exempt. Those names will be sent to the Vatican and will receive a personal Christmas card from the Bishop of Rome or be on the list to receive donations from the sale of the Vatican’s espresso machine.

#6—(R.C.)—To obey the laws of the Church concerning marriage.

N.O.---To be determined after the closing of the final Synod on the Family. In the meantime, until such time as the absolute definition of “marriage” is pronounced, all those united in love are to be respected, accepted and made to feel welcomed at all community gatherings. After all, who are we to judge?

As Ima Cardinal Hairatik bid farewell, he assured the “catholic” world that more corrections will be forthcoming since there are still more rigid Catholic things to be fixed. Remember, correcting two thousand years of error may take a little time. Rome cannot be rebuilt in a day.

Read 2080 times Last modified on January 14, 2015