As Far as A-CNN is Concerned the Greatest Catholic Website in the World is The Remnant, Click Here to Check It Out!

December 23, 2014

Turbo New Evangelization Now Here

Written by  M. T. Church
Rate this item
(29 votes)
Ima Cardinal Hairatik Ima Cardinal Hairatik

A-CNN Super-Duper Report—A reliable Vatican spokesperson, Cardinal Ima Hairatik, startled the Catholic world by declaring that the Holy Eucharist, formerly believed to be the Body and Blood of Christ, is merely blessed bread and wine offered as a remembrance of Christ’s words at the Last Supper.

Henceforth, the following guidelines will be instituted in “catholic” churches throughout the world:

* In the true spirit of Vatican II, liturgical worship services, formerly known as The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, will be referred to as a community gathering where love and fellowship will be enjoyed by all.

* The priest, formerly referred to as “celebrant”, will be designated as a “presider” who will utilize his talents to entertain the congregation in a spirit of joyful fellowship. Since the element of sacrifice has been removed from the liturgy, the words “sin”, “hell” and “penance” should be used very rarely from the pulpit and never in the same sentence.

* The Tabernacle, once believed to enclose the Real Presence of Our Lord, may be moved to a side altar or totally hidden if preferred by the pastor and/or pastoral council.

* There will be no need to genuflect, kneel or display unnecessary rigid piety.

* The word “Catholic” will only be used with a small “c” to indicate “universal” since the former Holy, Roman Catholic Church, which boasted “The Real Presence”, was filled with pride, hostility and stuffiness.

* Holy Communion railings will be removed since there is no need to kneel in adoration for bread and wine.

* Symbolic “communion” may be distributed by anyone to anyone by placing the bread in the hand and offering a gulp of the wine from any ordinary vessel.

* The casual welcoming atmosphere does not require any special attire, head coverings for women, silence or reverence in any manner.

* Somber, boring sacred music will be replaced with upbeat tunes played with any instruments and sung by pop music enthusiasts performing in what once was considered the Holy Sanctuary.

* In spite of the priest’s ordination, there is no hierarchy at this Community banquet. The priest presides from the man-centered throne where the Tabernacle was once located as a place of honor.

* When the Bishop of Rome (formerly referred to as “The Pope”) presides over mega Community meals, such as World Youth Day, there will be no need to protect the “eucharist” since it is only bread and wine. The wafer can be handled from hand to hand and wine distributed in plastic cups. Clean-up is a breeze when you don’t have to worry about those nasty fragments.

* Priests vestments, once symbolic of the passion of Our Lord, can be designed in any fashion including the current rage---the rainbow.

* Consuming bread and wine, even if symbolic of Our Lord’s Body and Blood, does not require any examination of conscience or the unbending “State of Grace” decree. Remember, this is a welcoming community. Who are we to judge?

* Receiving blessed bread and wine requires only a symbolic fast. One hour will suffice if it not too inconvenient.

* Crucifixes and statues of Our Lady, St. Joseph and the saints should be removed or, at least, minimalized not to offend our non-“catholic” brethren.

* Since even atheists can go to Heaven, it is not absolutely necessary to attend these community services on Sundays and Holy Days. After all, you won’t be missing out on receiving the Body and Blood of Christ. You will, however, miss out on having a really fun time.

Welcome to the NEW “catholic” church of the future.

By the way, this article is satire-- or is it? God help us, can you actually tell the difference anymore?

Read 3213 times Last modified on December 23, 2014